A Thought VI

The past translates experience into life-lessons while the future bears the burden of grativfying human expectation...

Spare an Angel

I found her staring at the rain
And asking why it has to hurt so bad
Where’s the limit to the pain
Her heart can take before it breaks in half?
I wanted to be strong enough to hold her
And show her the way
But she’s so far out of reach
And now all I can do is pray...

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

She wanders further in the dark
Feels the cold, hears the thunder cry
While the rain keeps pouring down
Her only answer from the lonely sky
And she has no idea how much You love her
Or how much You care
So would You choose one of Your best
To be the answer to my prayer?

Can You spare an angel tonight
Send a little help from Your side
‘Cause somebody’s lost down here
Let him wing his way through the dark
Carry some of Your love into her heart
Can You spare an angel
Spare an angel
Spare an angel

Oh, I don’t know what else to pray this time
Maybe an angel can lead her lonesome heart away to Jesus side

My thought

I was made for greater things and for a better someone. 

Fix You

 And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

The Prayer of a Broken Heart

We ruin friendships by falling in love....

I thought you were the exception to the rule but looks like you were everything but it...

My heart....well, it's mine now...broken and shattered as it may be...at least it's mine now. 

I cannot explain the emotion. 

It hurts when I surpress it and hurts even more when I let it all go. 

I am stuck between two extremes; for love of you and of hate of myself.

Dear God, 

Please take these brokeness and renew in me a heart of love. I know it took me so long to realize that you are the only one who would and could love me so deeply without condition, and all I can ask is that you hold me in your arms and brush away the pain and sadness that fill my heart. Forgive me of my faults and failings. Forgive me for I have betrayed you. No one should have mattered more than You. I ask of you the grace and strength to face these coming days with a cheerful disposition. 

Heal me, Lord for I am broken.

Amen.

A Thought V

Immaturity is the result of being dropped one too many times as a kid. So if you know any immature people, look for dents in their heads.

 

 

A Thought IV

Some stories have no happily ever afters,
but are still worth telling. And even if no one cares to listen, it's
ok love - because mirrors and walls are our best friends...

 

A Thought III

Like constellations in the sky, we are only noticed when looked at closely...It's beauty remains hidden until someone examines the night sky...

 

A Thought II

We let go of the past and call it history, but when the past won't let go, it remains a mystery...

 

 

That Random Morning News Flashes

I had an interesting morning so far and a refreshing one if I may add because for some reason even after spending so much time writing 8 pages in my diary last night, I still felt so refreshed when I woke up this morning. And to top that off, I kept jolting up at every hour from 1am onwards thinking that I was late and had missed the alarm. However, for some reason or another everytime I did get up, I still felt refreshed and not tired as I usually would feel when I sudden jolt out of bed.

However, one thing that kept me up was the ache in my side. I feel like someone took a jab at me when I was asleep because my side hurts like crazy. It's like I pulled a muscle or something and it is still hurting. I can't really stretch or turn to one side completely....Oh well, I guess the pain will pass eventually.

So I reached worked today before the crack of dawn and I think it must've rained extremely heavily in the wee hours of the morning or something because the electic pole wires were all snapped and on the floor as I was walking to the office. Eventful morning I say and the weather today is just perfect because it's cooling. Perfect weather for a snooze as well. ;)

Anyways, today would have been two years in our books :) but that story has ended and I will wait for the right time for my new chapter to began. In the meantime, the pages that see ink are running out which means its time to hit the store and get me a new book.

Day before yesterday was another eventful day for me as I received my award for being on the Dean's Honor Roll. Yay me! Lol. It was fun to finally catch up with my fellow coursemates who have been away on internship and it was eventful to receive an award alongside my friends.

I have started playing the violin again. It has been so long since I played and I can't believe how much I miss playing it. For now I coop myself up in my room and play it because it sounded bad in the beginning but I think I am making progress slowly. I just have to remember to keep at it so I don't loose the rhythm. I was feeling a bit frustarted with myself a few days back because I could not remember all the notes and frets like I used to and I would fumble with my bowing technique as well. I guess only time will tell if I get better at it. For now I keep playing the same song over and over again - Rebel Heart by The Corrs and it is slowly improving. I just hope my neighbours don't get sick of listening to me play. Hahaha.

That's all for now.

A Thought

We spend our time looking back on things which can't be changed because
memories are wonderful things..

Yet time will fly and memories
will fade away and when reality hits, all have moved on but we are stuck in monochromatic images

Living life backwards is indeed tragic for colors blossom from right under our feet to encompass our lives and our surroundings. Yet, if we keep looking back, our vision remains in shades of grey and all the colors in sight would not make a difference.

Random Snippets of the Mind.

Yesterday was a fairly interesting day for me...I was in such good spirits the whole day regardless of the fact that there was so much to do at work. However, when evening came and I reached the solace of my room, I realized a certain void that contributed to the emptiness of my current state...I need my darn laptop!

My life feels vacant without any form of entertainment and although I have gone back to my favourite escape, there's only so much I can write...or will write to be precise..the pages are getting lesser and lesser and my hand hurts every so often as it races with my mind to put down in words all the thoughts that run through my head..It's like I'm running a marathon. Unlike blogging, writing is physically a whole lot more harder but the thoughts easily pour out on a piece of paper as compared to a window on a flat screen.

I miss coming home to the sound of music. I miss having the ability to sing along to my favourite songs as I coop myself up in my room and just enjoy the simple moments and memories that each song brings to mind. My playlist is sappy but I don't mind because I have always been a sucker for romance. It's easy to sweep me off my feet with the right words and the right song. I miss watching the same movies over and over again...I gotta get my laptop fixed.

My daily routine has become so mechanical lately that my housemate taunts me ever so often calling me 'lifeless' and such just so I will snap out of it...I keep telling myself, its only temporary...its not permanent...it will be over soon...but I think I've slowly become accustomed to the routine and the solidarity that I don't mind sitting in the room with nothing more than just my thoughts and a piece of parchment. However, I know things will change when the year is over...or at least I remain hopeful...

I think I might go back to playing the violin. Although I am not sure if my housemate will be able to handle the whining sounds seeing as I haven't touched the violin over three years now. But I just might after all...

I need to SHOUT!

Oh today,
I wish you would fly by a little faster... :)

My darlings friends and I are going to watch SHOUT The Mod Musical! I am flipping excited and I can't wait to just let loose. Plus, I finally have an excuse to wear my bright red 60's ish shirt and hopefully my uber big red glasses. Lol.

It's hopefully going to be a night to remember and none of us can contain our excitement as the hours pass by.

Few more hours and its time to put on ma dancing shoes, swing to the sweet 60's and SHOUT!

Sweetest Message

As I was on the bus getting to work, I felt a very familiar feeling creeping up..one which I wish I could brush off easily...

My mind wandered off to the time when I was with him and I started recalling the happy moments we shared...Then, I pictured someone else taking my place, enjoying all that I had with him and I felt an ache crawling slowly up my throat...It gripped me and almost immediately a tear rolled down the corner of my eye..I remained motionless in my seat telling myself he is not my own and there is no need for wasted tears...

I wondered if he ever thought of me now and then as the days fly by...I wondered if his time here was just a passing stop and I was one as well...I wondered if every man that loved me only loved me but for a moment and not more. That's even if they did understand the meaning of love to begin with...How foolish to love and be hurt to the point of hate...But to hate would only confirm the things that I refuse to accept - that love is not meant for everyone.

I brushed my tears and told myself if I keep at this, I will never heal...I am only opening my own wounds and stitching them back together again...No one else is in this picture but me and I hurt myself everytime I let my emotions get the better of me...But how does one live shrugging every emotion that comes along? How do you not spend some time thinking about that some you once loved...It's impossible! Every good memory (and bad one) has come to pass for a purpose...I am over flooded by emotions when I remember him...I feel hope, I feel pain, I feel discouragement, I feel happiness, I feel despair and at times, I even feel love...But they are but barren shadows of what once was...

As I reached my destination, I realize I need to hide my feelings..I can't let people read me like an open book...I erase all that I felt, shrug away the tears and get off the bus like nothing ever happened.

Then as I get to my table, I see a beautiful message from a dear friend which gives me consolation in my moment of despair. A simple message, but a meaningful one nonetheless:

"People come and go, they do good and bad. But leave it all behind and cherish only the good memories you had with them.. Sometimes unintentional acts hurts us or sometimes we just simply look too much into things. but anyhow, cheer up for the brighter days to come!"

Those words were what I needed to hear and I thank God for in His mercy he answered my cry and I feel comforted. 


To you dear friend, your words have made this day better for me and I thank you for putting a smile on my face. God Bless You. :)

Its ok...

Girl,
He will fall in love again
He will soon find someone else,
Nature will take its course
and hand you heartaches and brokenness

But its ok...
Coz' it's going to hurt real bad at first
But the wounds will heal itself
You will pick up the pieces and move on

To you,
It has happened a thousand times
And a thousand times over you have come back strong

Your heart is like a revolving door

People just walk in and out from time to time

But its ok...
Coz' people are just people

And feelings mere clichés

The world is just another black hole for people to throw away their emotions

After all,

He was just playing chess

And your were just another pawn.

It may seem like the end for now
Yet you must move on
though you don't know how.

Green and not liking it

As I was quietly facebooking, you show up and something strikes a chord...I sent you a message and then see that you sent her a message earlier....All I could think of was "don't check, don't check,don't check"...but I did which I regret right now...The wonders of Facebook is that you can see Wall-to-Wall conversations....

So I check ours just to pop down memory lane and I realize that I've posted on your wall so many messages but not once have you on mine...Makes me wonder if I was delusional all this while thinking that you actually cared...On hers you would write random messages but not on mine...I feel like such an idiot right now...And yes, feeling very green...But who am I to complain...not like we are together anymore...Not that anyone cares in the first place...It's only me and this blog as a place to vent...I guess I'm just overreacting and reading too much into things that aren't true...Maybe its just me and my mind perceiving things as I want it perceived...silly me...

I hate Facebook for having the ability to attain such information...I just ruined my own day....

Life Updated

So months have passed by and I've already started my internship..Yes, it is a new semester...One more year and I'll be done with the books...As of now, work seems fairly doable even with the loads of typing and editing and paperworks to do..

For the most part, its going ok so far except for the fact that I've to wake up at 4am to catch the bus at 5.45, to reach work at 6.45 when the office only opens at 8am or so...Yeah, I know...It's crazy but I don't have much of a choice. I guess its "good training" as SOME people put it...I shall not name names but it does annoy me when i hear the whole good training speech...Its not like they have to do it...In any case, at least I know I'm always overly punctual for work..lol...

Apart from that, life is pretty much simple and laid back...There are days when I enjoy the serenity of singlehood but on other days I succumb to the loneliness BUT I am surviving so far..lols...Always looking for an excuse to look on the brighter side of life..:)

Oh and as of later I've been addicted to the series Lie to Me..awesome show and I must say very educational as well. I guess now I can see tell tale signs of lies...lols...believe me I've tested some of the theories and it is proven true..So, I wait for any chance to try discover any "microexpressions"...Lols...

Unnamed, Unknown

I don't know why I wrote this, but I know who its for...

See faith in a box,
It's closed to the world,
Latched from the outside,
It's locked up and curled.


The darkness is blinding,
Your eyes are strained
As you wait for a beam of light,
To suppress the pain.

We wait and we cling on,
For divine intervention,
Our anxiety and sighs,
Beyond consolation.
 
"Come back", "Wake Up"
They beg and they plead
Please be our miracle,
A testament to our creed.
 
If the abyss keeps holding you,
Don't let it enclose you,
For with faith as our crashing tide,
We'll see you on the other side.

Guess Who's Back...

It's the long awaited post! My blog is screaming bloody murder for my truancy from writing. In any case, I'm back (for now) and hopefully the habit of writing won't waste away into oblivion again.

I guess the purpose of this post is somewhat attached with sadness as I found out that my friend's sister had collapsed and is currently in a coma. The thought of it makes me shrug as she is still so young as the sweetest girl I know.

Just over the weekend, my family and I went over to her relative's house to pray for her. We sang hymns for an hour straight with only one intention - for her swift recovery. As we sang, hymn after hymn, my mind wandered away whilst remembering her. As I looked across the hall, seeing the many faces of relatives who loves her and were praying for her at that moment, it made me think of my father.

It made me wonder...My father had just as many relatives but if only they loved him as much, maybe, just maybe, he would have made it a few more years and walked my sister down the aisle. It brought tears  to my eyes having those thoughts. I felt the pain of loss at that moment and emptiness filled me.

I did not want the same emptiness to be felt by these people who love this young girl so dearly. "It's not her time yet, Lord. She's too young", I repeated in the silence of my mind as I sang the hymns and prayed with the family. I willed for her to get strengthened and I still do. I pray that she will be restored to good health.

She is still in a coma but I believe God has a plan and a purpose and I know in His mercy and kindness He will show His mighty power and save her.

I Will Be Here

I found the most beautiful song which I heard from long time ago and stumbled upon yesterday thanks to my elder sister. It is such a meaningful song and the words are just touching. Thought I'd share it.

I Will Be Here

by Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up 

and the sun does not appear
I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

The Story

The wounds have healed so it's time to put the story to rest :) I'm a happy person and I've decided I need not remember such silly things anymore...

Thank you God for the healing I've received. Amen.

Drama with the Girls

The girls came down yesterday to PD for fun andf it was fun indeed. It is NEVER a HotteBabe day out if there is no drama involved...haha..So, firstly they reached the house and we were all jumping around coz we were so excited to see each other...Lols..

Then, we left to buy dinner from KFC in Lukut. Realized that there was a police check just after the traffic lights near my place...Since there were 6 of us in the car, Cyber had to do a lil disappearing act at the back by ducking down and the girls had to cover her with a shawl...It was hillarious because we thought that the police officers were just going to check the road tax but instead they were flashing their lights inside the car..We freaked out for a moment so we all sat still just to act natural and the guy flashed his light inside the car but did not notice Cyber sitting on the floor which was hillarious...The moment we passed the checkpoint, we all burst out laughing..

Then there was the incident at KFC. Once we reached Lukut, Mafia, Cyber, Ray and I went to buy the food while Mini and Possum were trying to fix the radio of the car...We had to unscrew the car battery and then screw it back but the alarm kept going off which scared the crap out of us because it was sooo freaking loud since the hood was open..Of course Cyber has evidence of the incident -.-" Anyways, Possum managed to fix it...Oh before that...there was a problem with finding the TOOL BOX...hahaha...more like tool PLASTIC as Mini calls it..hehe..anyways, the radio was fixed and we drove along to go to the beach.

Possum kept talking about some HUT place which we could not for the life of us find...So, we decided to forget about the hut and just go to the open beach. Then as we were reaching the beach, we realized we didn't have any drinks...So, ended up at Petronas, buying to large bottles of Coke and went to the beach. Parking of course was another fiasco but we managed to park.

Got down from the car, it was nice and windy...We laid down the "spreadsheet" which they "borrowed" from church (hahaha...) and we all sat down. The moment we sat down...guess what happenedd...yes, you guessed it right...it started RAINING! -.-" Two seconds into the picnic and we got up ran like mad cows with the "sheet", the mat, the food and the drinks...I believe the people who were there who saw us must have laughed their arse off looking at our situation. So we got back in the car and Possum started with the whole HUT story AGAIN...

Long story short, we ended up going back to my place to eat out dinner...Poor Ray was hungry as hell but she managed to survive til the journey home. That's not the end of it...The ride home was scary coz it was thunder and lightning like nobody's business....The whole way everybody was just praying like crazy and it was pouring rain..It was just such a stark contrast from the beginning our our little escapade..

But we safely reached home and had a blast at dinner coz we had a lil cake to celebrate Possum's bday..  : ) took pictures of course and laughed and laughed as usual...Oh we had a little performance called "Flight Attendant" by Ray, Mafia and Possum...It was hillarious!! Hehehe..

It was such an awesome "dramatic" night with the girls..I can't wait for our Penang trip. There's definitely gonna be more drama there and even more laughter!

On a not so happy note, I totally left my wallet in Mini's car and I'll be wallet-less for the next 5 DAYS!! Aarrgh...stupid me!

Forgotten One

They remember you

They remember your special days

They try to please you just because

They rush to your side when you're in despair

They console you when you shed your tears

They bring you joy unexpectedly

They shower you with love unconditionally

And there she is

By the side lines

Cheering you on and celebrating your moments

She's one in the crowd and she is happy for you

But she is forgotten

No stories for her to tell

No moments for her to share

What was once hers is now yours

She smiles at you

But her heart breaks inside

You forgot her

They ignored her

We pushed her away

But she still smiles

All her joy seems to have disappeared

The people she loved most, love you more now

She wonders if she loved too much

Her eyes glisten as she looks at you

You, who caused her the pain

Who took everything she had

Who is loved more

Who she can't help but love til the end

She holds back her tears
She numbs her emotions

She remembers she is forgotten

Yet she still smiles...

My Schizophrenic Friends

Facebook is a dangerous portal I tell you. You see so many sides of people that it makes it hard to identify who's who or if one person is replying the same thread especially if 7 people are administrators for a group page...

Yes, The Hotte Family is officially schizophernic..One of us started by posting a shoutout on Facebook expressing the excitement of our Penang trip..Of course the comments started flooding in but all 7 of us being admin, our name doesn't appear as we post a comment..It appears as Hotte Family...Hence, the whole 'identity theft' adventure began....Everyone started pretending to be everyone else and I no one knows who is who anymore...On Facebook that is...we are just trying to decipher the messaging style and figue out who's who...

So, far we have come to certain conclusions
Paulo - the most grammatical errors
Cyber - some grammatical error with over excitement
Mini - Ms. big words, grammar corrector, over-the-top expressions
Poss - Constantly bashing Paul, "Mangga Chutney"
Puchi - Karat kampung Malay
Mervin - subtle hints
Mafia - Blames Poss for everything...

Hahaha...Well,those are merely observations which could turn out to be dead wrong.

So now in the midst of uncovering imposters and discovering who's who, we are also trying to post 500 comments before we leave to Penang...A feat that seemed impossible to me but now I think we might just get there....The record right now is 277...pretty far from the 500 but we still have a few days left to complete the mission...Lols..

Facebooking woes...

Gosh....How can one person make you feel so loved and make you feel like a loser all at the same time..???

I feel like the biggest most ABSOLUTE idiot in the entire world...I guess its just karma bitting me in me arse for what I did to M...But I don't deserve to be treated like that coz I never encouraged M to text me and such...But You...you call me as often as you can and you keep me hanging...

You seem like a stranger to me on FB...You keep in touch with her more than you do me...wait a second...OH MY GOD...I feel Like Kenny from South Park who got sucked into FACEBOOK...What the heck am I thinking...

Ok, I think I've been overdosing on Facebook that I'm reading into things a liiiittlleeee bit tooooooo much......Gosh, what's happenning to me..I need Facebook detox!

Oh btw, telling me "a hot x-girlfriend is like a plus point on the resume" is sooooo NOT a compliment...well...maybe for you but not for me...or is it now...Aaarrghh! I'm so confused! I need help...

Letter to My Haunting Past

Why won't you leave me alone...??? Please let go and let me live my life...I know 5 years is a long time and it's not easy to forget seeing as we were both each others first love, but MOVE ON!!!

You keep tormenting me each day with your messages and your attempts to try and mend a friendship just drifts us further apart! I don't want your friendship...I don't NEED your friendship... I just want to live my life as how I am living it right now...

I already have a current ex..I don't need to be in a twisted state where I'm dealing with two exes at the same time...He and I are fine...We are still friends because we still have feelings for each other...But you and I are long gone...There is no more we or us..That boat sailed away 2 years ago and I've no regrets for the decision I made...You think it was hard for you?? It was even harder for me to let go knowing that I spend spent just as much time as you did in a relationship which was doomed for disaster!

What's even twister twisted is that you ARE currently in a relationship and YET you still try rekindle something which is not there anymore...AND you want me to help you with your WEDDING PLANSfor next year?? Have you completely lost your mind??? You wanna get married to your girlfriend BUT you can't talk to HER about it?? Do you think I'm some kind of imbecile???

Leave me alone!

I wave my hand and say "Whatever"

so I went to chrurch today and found out the the old "senior citizens" in our parish have a problem with the solos that have been sung by choir members. These people have zero talent, zero inclination to music and YET have 101 comments about the choir...

I don't get them at all...bunch of old hags who can't stand seeing people actually use their talents to praise God rather than squandering it away at night pubs serenading a bunch of drunken morons who won't remember you existed the next day.

So, I went for breakfast today with "my future in-laws and husband-to-be" and my dear match maker...hahahaha...and we were talking about how we should not bother about all these jealous shmucks who have nothing better to do than pick on people who serve God whole-heartedly...I mean come on...what could they possibly do if we were to continue with the choir singing solos at certain times..?? Throw us out of church?? HIGHLY IMPOSSIBLE! Ask us to step down from being part of the choir?? By all means, please do try find other people who have the commitment to take on the repsonsibiily...

So, I'm giving them 'the hand'...not the finger...and I say "Whatever"....the church choir WILL CONTINUE DOING WHAT IT DOES BEST WITH SOLOS AND THE WHOLE CHOIR...

PS: If you happened to be one of those peopl who complained, are you ARE reading this post, next time say it to my face....Don't use other people's names especially that of the priest and don't be a chicken shit...If you do have comments why do you have to ask other people to convey the message??? Only goes to show that ur scared shitless to say it to our faces...

So, save your comments and if you think you can do a better job, DO IT!

Don't mess...

Just thought I'd mention this little incident...

Yesterday Ween, Irene and I were studying and listening to The Beatles. Weenie was tired so she was cathing some zzz but then as we were listening to a particular song, Irene happened to mention that she preferred the "Across The Universe" version of the song...I agreed and I was like "Yeah, it sounded better on the movie..The Beatles suck!" I said JOKINGLY just to see Ween's reaction...Just as sure as thunder comes after lightning, she immediately got up and said "Suck your t**s la!"

Hahahahaha....I swear I still am laughing...It's just so unbelievably funny...The Chinese in her just came out like a gay dude out of a closet when she said that line...hahaha...

Just had to mention...So, future reference - Don't mess with Ween and The Beatles.. ;)

Hasta La Vista!

Today was the last day for exams...It didn't really feel like exam week to be honest but I can't be more happy that the semester is finally OVER...ClOSED...FINITO....

Now, to look forward to happier tidings...Oh joy...:) Before glad tidings come,I think its time for a change..So some things might go shoter while others stay longer but then again, it's gonna be different. ;)

Apart from that, everything else remains the same. Am back to work and am hungry right now...1pm - please come sooooooooon!!

That's all for now...

PENAAAANGGG!!!! Get ready coz here I come!!!!

A Day to Remember

Dear Daddy,

I woke up today with the sun shining through my room. I slowly openend my eyes.

"What day is it" I thought.

"It's the 15th", I remembered.

"Happy Birthday, daddy", I whispered with a smile on my face.

It's been 3 years since you passed away. I remember sitting at the back of the van as a child while you serenanded us with Engelbert Humperdink songs as you drove along. Our long journeys to almost anywhere was filled with songs and laughter. I remember singing along as a child and although I didn't know most of the words, I bluffed my way through the verses while remembering the tune and chorus of each song.

I never got bored of the songs. It was not the fact that the song had a catchy tune or because it was an Englebert Humperdink song..it was more of the fact that you, daddy, sang the song.

It always meant something deeper than it was and it means even more now.

You would've been 60 today and you would've looked better than you did at 59... :)

I hope you know that mummy and your three girls still love you to this day. It makes me mad that THEY still try and piss us off even after you're gone and they still give us reasons to hate them more although we want nothing more than to just live our lives and not remember that they were once family.

Why are they so mean, daddy? How could you have come from that family? I am sure that once upon a time, all of your siblings were the same and I would like to believe that they are STILL the same people I remember them to be as a child. But too much has happened daddy even when you went away.

But today is not about them. It's about you. So, cheers to you daddy for leaving wonderful memories behind, for having loved me, cared for me and most of all for singing to me coz I know I'll remember every Blue Spanish Eyes, every Three Little Words and every Dancing to the Radio when I need you in my life...

Love,
Claudine.

1 more and Goodbye

So my exams are coming to a closure, the semester is coming to an end and I'm closing off this chapter of my life...I feel so elated...Like I could fly...Goodbye Jan sem 2010....I hope and pray that May sem 2010 will be a MUCH better one. Friday will be my last paper and then its party mode. Penang HERE WE COME!!

On a more subdued note, I think I toally embarrassed myself in front this real cutie..won't go into details seeing as its rather embarrassing...but in any case, I don't I could ever look at him the same again...Hopefully he didn't realize the blunder and I hope that I'm just over-reacting to the whole situation...I hope the next time I see him I won't have anymore blunders readily prepared... X( Twice I've met him and on both occassions I've made a clown of myself...WHY WHY WHY??? Not that I really care...but I do...and don't at the same time...not that I'm in love with him or anything...He's just really nice to see and il est grand, il est beau...il a le sourire le plus beauu...sigh...lols...

Anyways, back to reality...oops there goes gravity...haha..I'm still having the flu and I hope I'm not a walking disease coz I'd hate to think that my friends are falling sick because I've been sharing the love....hehehe...

Anyhoozer, That's all for now...

Ciao!

Cheers to the HotteFam

Today is Possum's birthday so I thought I'd send her a shoutout...She and I have been friends from UCSI and I'm glad I've someone like her as a friend...we may have had our share of ups and downs but there's no faking when it comes to our friendship..

It just got me thinking....I've never had a best friend from my growing years because I moved around alot and kept changing friend circles as and when I moved...plus there was this one incident..

M and I were best friends in kindergarden..she was a really nice girl and I remember her well coz we used to hang out together everyday at the kindergarden..Plus we went to the same church so we saw each other on Sundays as well..we moved on to primary school and we were still friends..but then in Standard 2, I shifted to a different school coz dad worked in Rantau...I remember once when I was at Sunday school, I was sitting at the back of the class because I didn't know many of the kids in class since I shifted...but I saw M and I was happy to see a familiar face...some of the other girls recognized me (coz dad was always active in church choir and I was always front and centre with mum and my sisters) and they kinda knew that M and I were friends...but when they asked M if she and I were friends, she said loud and clear "NO..She was never my friend."

True story. Believe me, that's not something I concocted in my head...I don't remember every sordid detail of that day but I remember what she said. So from that day, best friends did not mean much to me and it did not seem all that important until I grew up and heard stories of friends who have been best friends since kindergarden...I felt like I missed out on something special..

It's kind of a special feeling to know someone from a very young age and grow up with them and have all these little funny stories to tell about each other...I wish I had that but I guess it was never meant for me..

But in any case, I'm still glad I made real good friends in UCSI whom I still keep in touch with and although we don't see each other as often as we hoped but it is still nice to know that we have that closeness...I'm glad that even through the roughest patches we faced back in UCSI, we still rose above it all and are still friends...I thank God everyday for blessin me with Poss, Miniroo and Mafia AND of course DJVJ and Paulo...I don't know what category of friends they fall into...and frankly I don't care coz all I know is that they're FAMILY...

Well, whadya know..I lost one best friend but I gained 5 whacky family members...And now we call ourselves the HotteFam and although it seems ridiculous to some but I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to me... :)

I knew it!

I knew there was a reason why I never did close my "other" account...lols...I stumbled upon my long lost blog from 1865 it seems...ok ok....im totally drama queening right now...but it was like in 2005 and I donno why I stopped writing....wait...I know...Facebook happened...

Anyways, here's a post from way back then when I first starter started blogging...Reminds me of who I was way back then...I miss me...

Its A Wondeful Life!!! With Flaws..

Whoever said life was easy…bunch of ups and down….you hit the road and you end up in a puddle of mud…sigh…on the other hand there are times in life where you get the best of everything…somehow people tend to outweigh the bad for the good…

Yes, yes life always has a turning point where you feel like the whole world is against you and you’ve lost it completely….but then again, isn’t life about holding on to those things you already have and living in the moment…I’m not saying go crazy, end up in a rut or anything of that sort but I think the good moments and the wonderful memories in life; be it with friends, family or that special someone should have superiority over the bad "shitake mushrooms" that happens…

Life has never been more difficult…juggling life, family, friends, college, and whole lot of other issues…Yet no one said life was easy…Sometimes one just needs to lighten up and literally "wake up and smell the roses"…Life is too short to not see the beautiful things in your own world…

"The happiest person doesn’t always have the best things in life. They strive always to make the best out of everything they have in their life."

Gosh….I never knew I could be so philosophical…ceh….well, living life means speaking your mind…Just thought I’d share a moment or two…what are blogs for if you cant get creative…hehehe…
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This entry was posted on Saturday, July 2nd, 2005 at 9:20 pm and is filed under Tabby in Depth.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Always the Tradition

So i just got back my internal coursework marks and lets say I wont be passing with flying colors this semester..I guess its always the case with me...Sem 3 is the honeymooner sem...well, I'm just glad this semester is over and all I can do at this point is work my butt off for a B...I can't afford to get any lower than that...

So what have a learnt from this semester?
- I know who my REAL friends are
- I know that my classmates are too competitive for their own good
- I learnt that submitting assignments 'in-the-nick-of-time' can give me a heart attack
- staying up the whole night only gets me sick in the end
- PEOPLE CHANGE..well, this one I've known for a while but it's worth mentioning

So what do I do?
- Stay close to those I care for and vice versa
- Stop competiting with others (A wise owl told me - Stop competing with my friends and start competing myself - you know who you are... ;) )
- Start submitting my assignment on time - or more like START my assignments earlier on
- Sleep well, drink more water
- Don't change (well, don't change the good habits that is..)

Oh and I've learnt very valuable lessons
1. Take the good with the bad but beat the crap outta the ugly..
2. People will always try and bring you down and look bad in front of your lecturers, friends and acquaintances but the point is to not give up and strive to do the best in you abilities..
3. Some may say that your talents are crappy...All you gotta say to them is "Lily Allen" and walk away forgetting whatever they say and just working on being the you can be..

So that's all for now...Ciao!

I'll get there

Seems to me like I've been slacking off quite a great deal and I've no one to blame but myself. I've got one more shot to do right and I shouldn't waste that opportunity that dribbles my way...

In a blink this whole semester will end and I can't wish enough for it to come sooner. I want to put whatever has happened this semester in the past and move on from there. It's time to get my act together and walk a straight line..well, almost straight (no, there is no sexual connotation to this statement in case you were wondering -.-)

I hope my dreams and aspirations will still be clear and visible til the end because the last thing I need is to loose my reason and purpose for going on this journey. I've lost some and gained some on my journey and I hope that everything will unravel perfectly in the end.

If God can move mountains, He can do anything so I don't have to worry about the future but rather start believing that the future holds so much more than I see right now..Mommy said "God has His way of doing things.So, submit to His way and let God do His work through me"

Even in my most distressed state, I know He is working a miracle in my life and He is just waiting for me to look up so He can show me that miracle. :)

In other words, Have Faith coz that's the only way to survive in this place.

Letters to You

Dear You,

Maybe I don't need you as much I did
Maybe I don't want you the way I used to
Maybe my life is better off without you
Maybe the separation is for my own good
Maybe you leaving was the best thing that's happened
Maybe it was necessary to let go
Maybe I can be me without you

But...

What if I really do need you more than I did then
What if I do want you more than I ever did
What if my life became worse off without you
What if the separation was for YOUR good and not mine
What if leaving was a terrible mistake
What if my heart is right and mind is wrong
What if you were the one that made things right

What if you were my fairytale?
Did I just loose you to reality?

I may never see you again but that's ok. The occasional calls from you makes it better. But then again, you calling gives me hope. You telling me you miss me makes me want you even more. I want to let go but I don't want to either. I wish so many things but that's all there is..wishes..

I take one step forward then two steps back. I hate the waltz. Let me know when you're ready to tango or if you've found someone new. Til then, I'll be working on my solo routine and dancing with myself.

Love Always,
Me.

In my head....

Things are playing in my head...Things which shouldn't...But my heart and mind both function in different spectrums which makes it hard to tell from right and wrong...In any case, I am sure what I feel is wrong coz I'm pretty sure its not meant to be.. Statements are just statements until ponder over and thought about...then it sparks curiosity and wonderment...All the what-ifs flood the mind and emotions become topsy turvy...Dreams become surreal and captivating...

That face
I saw you
But I don't know who you are
I wish I knew you coz you seemed so wonderful
I still see vague shadows of your face in my head
I remember your smile
The way you held me in your arms
I felt safe and nothing in the world would worry me

But then you were swept away and you left
And my memories faded to black
I see flashes of your face in my mind
I remember it well
I was captivated
I still am
But are you real?
Or are you some concotion of my mind
How cruel it would be if my mind were playing tricks on me

If chance let's me
Then let that chance be
I hope to see you tonight...

Ain't it Funny...

It's interesting how people love to throw crap at you and when the final product comes out to look fabulous, everyone wants a share of the glory...Well, I can't really complain coz I totally saw it coming...So much for team work and helping out...

After all the arguments and crap I got not even a word of thanks...Again, I totally saw that coming as well...I guess I just needed to rant that's all...No point in fussing over it but it just annoys me...

And the hits just keep on coming...

So, I just got a call from my "boss" saying to pass the message to all my colleagues that we have "spies" who come to each department to see if our services are good...and she doesn't want our department to get any complaints but apparently when students are at the counter we do not "layan" them well enough...She put it in a nice way but I can't tell she is getting the brunt end of it...

Well, as far as I'm concerned, the students here are spoon fed and spoilt...I am a student myself but the way these students come to the department, its as if they OWN the people who work here...At times I wish I could smack their faces...Since violence is not the answer, I've opted to S.W.A.S (sarcasm with a smile)... Lols...but only to those who ask me ridiculous questions...

Anyways, whatever it is, I'll try me best to "rush to the counter with a smile plastered on my face"... -.-

1st April

It's his birthday today and I wish I was with him...but the again, I should stop wishing for silly things...I know I should but I don't..Why?

He called yesterday and was talking to him for a while and I passed the phone to my friend and my phone died...I gotta start charging my phone...I know I should but I don't...WHY?!

I was walking home yesterday with W and she got a call from N saying that he just called her informing her that he had met in an accident...I freaked out and was on the verge of tears...In that split second it got me wishing I had charged my phone, what state he was is, whether he's ok...I was scared...then W get's a text from N saying "April Fools"...Damn. It so wasn't funny..I stormed away...I hate her for pulling that stunt...I shouldn't but I do...Why?

I went home..teared a little...was mad as hell at N...din't bother to charge my phone til later in the wee hours of the morning..turned on my phone...saw plenty missed calls from N, W and him...messages from both of em....

I woke up today...it's his birthday, and I still miss him...

Of masks and disguises

I hate not being able to hide my anger and frustrations. I hate that I am an open book. I hate no matter how much I tell myself to "snap out of it", the floodgates just open up wider and stream faster. I hate that people see right thru me in my slightest emotional state. I hate that I have to take walks to brush off the aches. I hate that big chunk of nothing creeping up my throat that makes my eyes well up.

Claudine, it's time to wear back that mask you've put away for so long. No more open books and heart on sleeves. Learn your lesson and build your broken walls.

This Easter

So, I've been blinking pissed and angry these past few days...Went for confession on Sunday and hope to God I remembered all my sins especially concerning my new found rage and contempt towards certain people. I think the priest ears were bleeding listenin to my confession. I went in with so much anger but I came out feeling a little bit at peace.

However, coming back to this "hell hole" makes it difficult to let go of all that frustrations and anger especially since I see the people who pissed me off in the first place EVERY DAY without fail. What's worse is that they pretend as if nothing is happening and that everything is fine. I would let bygones be bygones but for some reason this incident has triggered so many bad incidences from the past that it has all snowballed into one big fiasco.

I guess the best thing to do is to ignore them and move on coz harping on the same matter just makes matters worse..But, I am human...I can't help the way I feel.

On a happier note, some dude (I will not name names) who had fought with me in the past, randomly started chatting with me on Facebook and actually apologized for what he had done and for hurting my feelings. I thought that was really nice of him although it didn't really matter to me anymore. I did apologize to him as well if I had lashed out irrationally. It did make me feel like a small burden was off my shoulder and it did put things into perspective for me...People are definitely not what they seem.

So, this Easter I've decided to offer up those who I resent and leave it to God to take care of em. Hopefully I will also learn to control my anger and be less resentful to those people.

Oh, and I need to stop profaning. It's literally spilling out like water. :S

Anyways, that's all for now..

CiAO!

Holier Than Thou People

Some people think that they are the earth, sea and sky. Fuck you! We have lives to. I can’t grasp the magnitude of your stupidity and jealousy that makes you do petty things and react like a 5 year old kid throwing a tantrum.
Who the hell made you the boss of me???
I swear what goes around comes around so you better beware when I’m coming around the corner coz I’m gonna be knocking your socks off. You will never know what hit you.

All this bullshit of smiling and being nice and friendly…SCREW THAT…big time helping people and doing good for others. You stab your friends in the back and you expect others to be nice to you? I thought I was the petty one when I did not feel comfortable around you…but looks like you proved my first impression about you right. You’re a whiney, control-freak, competitive, LOUD, ass kissing jerk off!
I have a life so don’t hate me for it. I have the right to complain about my life as much as I want to. I have responsibilities you cannot even begin to comprehend! I stay close to my friends and yes I do procrastinate…but I bloody get my job done at the end of the day. If your brain is too retarded to handle the pressure at the last minute, then don’t hate me coz you ain’t me. Don’t even BE in the line you are in right now if you donno how to handle pressure and don’t hate others who are able to produce good work even at the last possible minute. I enjoy the fact that my life is busy and I love the thrill of getting things done at the final hour although at times I do wish I would do it earlier. That doesn’t give you the right to do what you did.

I am a child of God, a daughter, a sister, a student, “an admin assistant”, an officer to 5 – 10 clubs, a club chairperson myself, a member of two other clubs, part of the choir in IMPAC, I handle the choir at my church, and I’m a friend to those I love.

So if you want to live my life, you just try it for one day and see if you survive.
Don’t think you’re the only one who has so much things revolving around you and don’t attempt to be concerned for others when you intend on stabbing them in the back. If you happen to read this and you know who you are, I hope you come to your bloody senses.

I may be all smiles when I see you but remember I have a temper like no other and once I unleash my wrath you better run.

Fighting Reality

Come menace of the night

Take me back to irrevocable solace

Lend me your dagger

And be swift my hands,

To pry the agony from this living corpse

No more! I say, No More!

I refuse to succumb to this misery and grief.

I am but a lost soul

I am but a fragile being

I am but who I am

Yet in the abyss of distant memories

I ponder my very existence

Were I created for earthly torment,

I would gladly surrender myself to the hands of Hades

Deprive me not of my yearning for bliss

Leave me be!

Leave me be!

Spare me this life I did not choose

My being can endure no more tragedy

Leave me to rest in eternal peace

Have these eyes not shed enough tears?

Has this heart not received enough blows?

Have these hands not clasped enough in pleading?

Release me from these bonds of brokenness

Let me live the remaining days of my life
Let me be contented
 

Sun, Sea and Sand

Headed out to the beach today after a LONG time...lols...It was a quiet day at the beach...not many people..Well, maybe it was because we were there a little after 10 in the morning. Anyways, sis and uncle went for a jog while I hit the water...

As I was reaching the shore, I notice a whole lotta crabs rushing back to the water and I was doing a little dance of my own as I was heading to the water. The Dance of the Crabs, that's what it was. Haha! So, I reached the water SAFELY without being bitten or stepping on any crabs and the water was just cooling : )

I swam for quite abit and quite far I must add and it felt so peaceful especially since there was not a soul in sight. I floated a while and looked up at the sky and it was beautiful. The clouds were fluffy and spread out as the sun slowly peeped out from behind them. The breeze was cooling and the waves gentle.. It was a perfect day for a solitary swim in the sea. 

I had some time to myself to enjoy the swim and appreciate nature in all its glory. Although there were a few times when the darn corals kept hitting my leg and I freaked out thinking it was something else. Haha...I scared myself for no reason.

Anyways, after the swim, uncle and aunty along with sis and myself had lunch at Glory Beach Resort. Not such a good meal but it was good enough seeing as I was hungry after the long swim..Haha..

Oh, and I also got a tan from all that time I spent at the beach. Not as much as I expected to tan but I guess its good enough...Lols...

Anyways, I'm back at home right now and enjoying the fan and shade while watching Jumanji. So that's all from me now! Ciao!

Memoirs of Her Broken Heart

Where are you?

Her thoughts have paced these empty spaces for far too long,

And before she could realize it, 

You were long gone.

You left her unsheltered 

From the arrows

From the daggers

From the waves of emotions 

That do but flood her fragile heart

Wave after wave they come

Crashing into the vacant lots of what was

They rip her apart.

She cried out

But no one would listen

In the deafening silence she struggles a shout

But to no avail 

As her voice drowns out

Darkness besets her 

As she awaits in vain

For that saviour to rescue her 

From the hurt and pain

Loneliness is her friend

So are the illusions of the past

"Was it never meant to be?" she ponders

"Was it never meant to last?"

She is weighed in distress

In the gloom of night

Not a sound, not a whimper

She remains in fright

Words escape her mind

As she holds her head down in the palm of her hands

What tragedy to befall someone!
When will it ever end.