I turned 26 a week back and I feel like my perspective on life has changed to a certain extent. All of a sudden my carefree days seem to turn into fear and worries. The levels to which I feel these anxieties go deeper and deeper as I examine the different layers of relationships I have with the people around me.
For one, I feel like my best days have passed me by. I am now stagnant in a pool of uncertainties and questions. The big question within me; IS THIS IT? While others around me blossom and bloom, I feel like I'm shrinking under the rays that was once mine to bask in. They cast a shadow in my path and I am forced to remain hidden from the world. I ignite tiny sparks to gain attention and pull myself out of this darkness but like a match being lit in a wind, my fire dies off even before it can begin.
I am troubled by my thoughts that lead me to believe that I have nothing more to offer and what little I have is not worth anything as others around me have been blessed with more. Ironically, as I write this post, Mad World runs in my mind and the lines that constantly run through my head is "And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"
On another level, I feel like the Other One within my own nucleus. Recently as I stood among a crowd of familiar faces, I realized I felt dazed and drifted away from where I was. My interactions were minimum and I felt it pointless to make an effort to communicate with those I know because my past episodes reminded me that I will never be one of them and I will never fit in. Looking back on my past experiences where I tried hard to fit in with people who clearly did not appreciate me or want me, I feel embarrassed and such a fool. If I could rewind those moment and tell my younger self what I know now, I would've spared myself a whole lot of heartache.
Then again, it is all supposed to be part and parcel of life.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Oh She's A Gold Digger
Out of respect to my Father, I have decided to remove this post and move on rather than remembering painful memories of how earthly treasures can divide us from heavenly ones.
Forgiveness has set in.
Forgiveness has set in.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Of Trees and Pyramids
It's time the sun and star got a wake up call. While many branches reach to wider space, there need be enough leaves to shadow the sun. Without leaves, the branches are purposeless. Without leaves, the branches look scarce, wilted and
Similarly, an inverted pyramid's foundation cannot withstand the weight and burden of the load it holds. Only a strong, firm foundation can support the weight of the load it carries.
It's time to make the topsy turvy right again! I hope we all get this message.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
My Second Encounter
I saw my dad for the second time last night. I went to bed at about one in the morning and for a while I could not bring myself to sleep as I felt wide awake although I knew I had to force myself to sleep in order to wake up early as I only had a few hours left before I began the day.
As I lay in bed, listening to my praise song list, I finally drifted off to sleep. The next thing that I remember is a familiar dream. I only remember bits and pieces of it but I know I’ve dreamt it before. I can’t remember everything that transpired. I only remember my mother, sisters and I were in a dark place in a car and we were leaving that place and reached the outside of it. As we got out of what looked like a building of some sort, then I see my father rushing out of that same place.
I turned and called to him and he sat down on what now seemed to be a roadside with the car parked on the side. I remember looking at him and feeling happy but sad. Happy for I finally saw him but sad for I had this feeling that he was going away. He didn’t look too well and he didn’t say much. As I drew nearer to him my mother and sisters were getting in the car and they looked as if they knew he would be there whereas I was taken by surprise.
We were going to get into the car to drive off and usually my dad would sit in the front seat of the car but when I asked him, he asked me to sit in front while he sat at the back. The only times he ever sat at the back was when we had the van. Anyway, I got into the car and my sister was in the driver’s side while my mother and elder sister were in the back. We were waiting for dad to get in the car.
While waiting my sisters and mother were talking about a Valentine’s Day plan for dad. They were talking about how they should take black and white individuals shots of us and dad and frame them. At that point I started welling up and I began to cry for I felt a void coming. I realized as I was crying I started losing my breath at the same time. I tried to inhale to take a deep breath but could not and I kept crying.
As I tried taking deep breaths I woke up and I was in tears. I could not stop crying for I felt the emotions all too real. I remembered my father’s face and I kept on crying. I turned to the clock and saw it was 3am. I felt so lost and lonely for that moment and so sad for it felt as if my father had just passed away. The same raw emotions I felt when he passed away came back to me this morning at 3am. I did not know what to do so as I lay in bed I said the Divine Mercy chaplet for my father. After having said the Divine Mercy chaplet, I felt a bit at peace.
The memory of my father had faded away for a while and it’s as if I could not remember him but today morning, I felt my father’s presence with me. For a long time I feared the memories of my father will devastate my life so I hid them and eventually forgot some of them. I did not want to feel sad or upset because of my father’s passing but yesterday felt like a wakeup call. It’s as if to say that I cannot run away from the memory of my father and that I should face my fears and embrace the sadness as it is part of life.
I have had my sudden meltdowns in church as I would recall certain moments with my dad and I can’t help but cry. I hate myself for giving in to those emotions and I don’t like it when people see me in such a state. At my dad’s passing, I thought I had to be strong for my family and contain my emotions. My then boyfriend told me I should be strong and not allow my emotions to get the better of me but I should not have listened to him. I should have allowed myself to express my grief and sadness at that point in time. I feel like I suffer the consequences now because I find it hard to deal with my sudden outbursts.
While many have moved on, I don’t want to seem as if I am still stuck in that moment of dad’s passing. I should’ve ended my grief a while ago but then again, how can you put a stop to grief and sadness? How could anyone possibly turn away the brokenness one feels, the empty void from within and the wounds that won’t heal?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Christmas Conundrum
I am in the midst of writing the Christmas play for this years Christmas at church and I am indeed having a fun time doing it for obvious reasons. Christmas in definitely my most favorite time of the year and its the joyousness of the occasion that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :) I mean who could not love Christmas?
Anyway, back to the writing...The last time I wrote a play, it came from the perspective of a father reading the Christmas story to his two sons, a favorite of the children which was once read by a certain loved one who had recently passed away. So it was pretty much a musical play.
This year I wanted to stick to the original story but give it a little more life in terms of dialogue and character. I have always wondered what the conversations would be like between Mary and Joseph especially when Mary found out she was with child through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Bible does not document in too much detail the birth of Jesus and what transpired between Mary and Joseph. Both the Gospels of Matthew and Luke document the essential elements like the visit by angel Gabriel to Mary, the visit to Joseph, Mary's magnificat, the birth of Jesus in a manger and such.
My curiosity took me beyond these elements to ponder upon the little bits of the story of Jesus' birth. Come to think of it, without Mary and Joseph's YES and having complete trust and confidence in God's plan, the birth of Jesus would have never happened and salvation would be lost. Of course God may have had a back up plan but this was indeed God's plan coming into perfection through Mary and Joseph's obedience to the will of God.
So, I am now writing the little conversations that may have taken place between Mary and Joseph...Am loving the flow of it so far and I hope those who watch the play will understand the concept of it. My prayer today is that God will work through my hands and my mind to write the conversations as how He wants me to. : )
Anyway, back to the writing...The last time I wrote a play, it came from the perspective of a father reading the Christmas story to his two sons, a favorite of the children which was once read by a certain loved one who had recently passed away. So it was pretty much a musical play.
This year I wanted to stick to the original story but give it a little more life in terms of dialogue and character. I have always wondered what the conversations would be like between Mary and Joseph especially when Mary found out she was with child through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Bible does not document in too much detail the birth of Jesus and what transpired between Mary and Joseph. Both the Gospels of Matthew and Luke document the essential elements like the visit by angel Gabriel to Mary, the visit to Joseph, Mary's magnificat, the birth of Jesus in a manger and such.
My curiosity took me beyond these elements to ponder upon the little bits of the story of Jesus' birth. Come to think of it, without Mary and Joseph's YES and having complete trust and confidence in God's plan, the birth of Jesus would have never happened and salvation would be lost. Of course God may have had a back up plan but this was indeed God's plan coming into perfection through Mary and Joseph's obedience to the will of God.
So, I am now writing the little conversations that may have taken place between Mary and Joseph...Am loving the flow of it so far and I hope those who watch the play will understand the concept of it. My prayer today is that God will work through my hands and my mind to write the conversations as how He wants me to. : )
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Una Voce Poco Fa
Here's the other song I sang at the concert. So many good memories..Sigh..Well, on the bright side at least they are GOOD memories... :)
Lascia Ch'io Pianga
So this is me singing during a concert a few years back. Not many people I know are fans of opera and classical music but I'm glad my mum and dad pushed me to take classical vocal lessons. Although I have stopped my classes for over two years now, I still occasionally miss those days. I stopped a while after my dad passed away and it was hard dealing with it especially with all the memories of him sitting through my classes and watching me sing.
I sang this song during the 2007 Malaysian Youth Music Festival and I won the vocal category. My mum and dad were with me with my sister and then boyfriend. Dad was so proud of me; he cried tears of joy. He passed away a week after that competition and I felt it pointless to continue with vocal classes because I had lost my number one fan.
My mum still pushes me to go back to my vocal classes and I know it may be a painful process but I might just consider it this time around. Who knows...maybe the pain has eased.
Anyways, here's the song but this was from a music concert...
The Out of Body Experience
So I thought I may as well blog my weird episodes just to be aware of the frequency of the disturbances but hopefully these are just anomalies that occur once in a blue moon.
Before I delve into these things I should note that I haven't had these episodes in a long time. I used to have them when I was much younger and it would only occur in the afternoon. Hence why I do not, or at least try not to sleep in the afternoons.
When I was younger, whenever I slept in the afternoon, I used to feel like someone was choking/suffocating me and I had problems waking up although I was very much aware of my surroundings. There were instances where my mum would try to wake me up and I was fully aware of her waking me up but my whole body was paralyzed. I could see my mother and my surroundings although my eyes were closed. I would try to get my being attached to my body and as I was trying to do that I felt like I couldn't breathe. I would feel like I am waking up but then I'd realize that I am still asleep. I would wake up at the last possible moment just as I feel like I am about to drift off from loss of breath. As I jolted up my heart would race and I would wake up in a panic state.
It happened many times as a child and for a while I had to literally talk to my brain to convince myself that I am still asleep and I needed to wake up. Hence, after some time I decided to train myself to not sleep in the afternoon. I would tire myself out during the day and sleep easy at night. My night sleeping habits were not a problem at all.
So those episodes stopped occurring when i grew up. Occasionally I would take a nap in the afternoon when I am absolutely tired out and nothing would happen. However, today was the first time after a long time where I experienced the same situation. I was in bed and I could see my mother sleeping beside although I was asleep myself. I was getting the same feeling I had from before and I started panicking. I could see my 'being' detached from my physical body and as I tried to get my being back to my body I keep feeling suffocated.
I tried moving my limbs but was completely paralyzed and I remember screaming to my mum to help me and I felt like I was shouting really loud but I then realized it was no point. I kept talking to myself saying "Wake up Wake Up!!" and at the last possible minute where I felt like I was literally going to die! I woke up frantically breathing.
The weird thing is that whenever I take a nap on the couch during the afternoons, I don't experience these things. Today I decided to sleep on the bed and somehow it happens. Part of me wants to experiment and see whether it happens again - sleeping on the couch and then sleeping on the bed. However, the other part says don't be stupid coz I got lucky this time.
I hope this is just a one time episode. If it isn't then I guess I'm just gonna stick to the couch when I feel like taking a nap in the afternoon to be on the safe side...
Before I delve into these things I should note that I haven't had these episodes in a long time. I used to have them when I was much younger and it would only occur in the afternoon. Hence why I do not, or at least try not to sleep in the afternoons.
When I was younger, whenever I slept in the afternoon, I used to feel like someone was choking/suffocating me and I had problems waking up although I was very much aware of my surroundings. There were instances where my mum would try to wake me up and I was fully aware of her waking me up but my whole body was paralyzed. I could see my mother and my surroundings although my eyes were closed. I would try to get my being attached to my body and as I was trying to do that I felt like I couldn't breathe. I would feel like I am waking up but then I'd realize that I am still asleep. I would wake up at the last possible moment just as I feel like I am about to drift off from loss of breath. As I jolted up my heart would race and I would wake up in a panic state.
It happened many times as a child and for a while I had to literally talk to my brain to convince myself that I am still asleep and I needed to wake up. Hence, after some time I decided to train myself to not sleep in the afternoon. I would tire myself out during the day and sleep easy at night. My night sleeping habits were not a problem at all.
So those episodes stopped occurring when i grew up. Occasionally I would take a nap in the afternoon when I am absolutely tired out and nothing would happen. However, today was the first time after a long time where I experienced the same situation. I was in bed and I could see my mother sleeping beside although I was asleep myself. I was getting the same feeling I had from before and I started panicking. I could see my 'being' detached from my physical body and as I tried to get my being back to my body I keep feeling suffocated.
I tried moving my limbs but was completely paralyzed and I remember screaming to my mum to help me and I felt like I was shouting really loud but I then realized it was no point. I kept talking to myself saying "Wake up Wake Up!!" and at the last possible minute where I felt like I was literally going to die! I woke up frantically breathing.
The weird thing is that whenever I take a nap on the couch during the afternoons, I don't experience these things. Today I decided to sleep on the bed and somehow it happens. Part of me wants to experiment and see whether it happens again - sleeping on the couch and then sleeping on the bed. However, the other part says don't be stupid coz I got lucky this time.
I hope this is just a one time episode. If it isn't then I guess I'm just gonna stick to the couch when I feel like taking a nap in the afternoon to be on the safe side...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Venting Schmenting
There are days when you just have to vent your frustrations out to someone. It's especially hard when you're the kind who doesn't like confrontations and would rather let bygones be bygones but sometimes one just needs to let it all out and vent.
While venting out your frustrations is probably the only way to keep yourself sane, sometimes its who we vent out to that gets us in trouble and bites us in the arse. I especially am easily trusting of those around me to keep my venting sessions between the two people and the four walls but sometimes the people I vent out to have a tendency of carrying tales to the people I am venting about. Sometimes its just a slip of the tongue that causes a rift between people. Venting becomes misconstrued as a b****ing session and its hard to separate one from the other because both situations are similar. Of course if someone told me that a friend of mine was complaining about me, I'd be pissed but then again everyone has a right to get angry or be disappointed. After all, if you can dish it you need to learn how to take it in right?
I care deeply for the people I know, even the people I vent about. I am not perfect. I have my meltdowns, I have my own gossip sessions, I can be impossible. But of all my imperfections and iniquities, I am not an insincere person. People can clearly tell when I am uncomfortable around them or when I don't quite like them. It's hard to hide my true emotions because I am like an open book - the writings just jump off the white page. The fact that I have this immensely overwhelming conscience makes it hard to hate people. I don't hate people, I just get disappointed with them and I would like to believe that everyone shares the same sentiment.
Hate is a strong word to describe ones feeling for another. To say I hate someone would be a lie because my conscience would keep me in check. No matter how many times a person may have wronged me ("Fool me twice, shame on me; I know) I still would like to believe that there's some good in all of us which can outshine the bad in us.
This coming from a guilty conscience because God knows I have made my fair share of mistakes and I would like people to see the good in me rather than dwell on the bad. So how could I judge when I can be disappointing to others? Although that may be the case, I still can get disappointed with people especially those who keep doing the same things over and over again. It's frustrations and disappointments, not b****ing.
What I am trying to say in a nutshell is I do have venting sessions, I am not perfect, and I like to see the good in others.
Oh, and I don't hate people...just techno music. :)
I care deeply for the people I know, even the people I vent about. I am not perfect. I have my meltdowns, I have my own gossip sessions, I can be impossible. But of all my imperfections and iniquities, I am not an insincere person. People can clearly tell when I am uncomfortable around them or when I don't quite like them. It's hard to hide my true emotions because I am like an open book - the writings just jump off the white page. The fact that I have this immensely overwhelming conscience makes it hard to hate people. I don't hate people, I just get disappointed with them and I would like to believe that everyone shares the same sentiment.
Hate is a strong word to describe ones feeling for another. To say I hate someone would be a lie because my conscience would keep me in check. No matter how many times a person may have wronged me ("Fool me twice, shame on me; I know) I still would like to believe that there's some good in all of us which can outshine the bad in us.
This coming from a guilty conscience because God knows I have made my fair share of mistakes and I would like people to see the good in me rather than dwell on the bad. So how could I judge when I can be disappointing to others? Although that may be the case, I still can get disappointed with people especially those who keep doing the same things over and over again. It's frustrations and disappointments, not b****ing.
What I am trying to say in a nutshell is I do have venting sessions, I am not perfect, and I like to see the good in others.
Oh, and I don't hate people...just techno music. :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Magical Musical escapade
I am so looking forward to tonight where I can sit back and be swept away by the songs and dances of BROADWAY!
One of my colleagues got his hands of some tickets so the office is taking a 'field trip' to go see the musical. I am so excited that I can't sit still anymore. Since morning I've been humming to the tunes of some of my favorite musicals!
How I miss my opera singing days.My mother says I should go back to it but my fear is that I have lost my touch to it. As much as I miss it I feel like I've missed out on the best times to develop my voice and range.
Anyway, that story is for another post. So for now, I shall be excited and wait in anticipation for the time when we leave for the musical! :)
One of my colleagues got his hands of some tickets so the office is taking a 'field trip' to go see the musical. I am so excited that I can't sit still anymore. Since morning I've been humming to the tunes of some of my favorite musicals!
How I miss my opera singing days.My mother says I should go back to it but my fear is that I have lost my touch to it. As much as I miss it I feel like I've missed out on the best times to develop my voice and range.
Anyway, that story is for another post. So for now, I shall be excited and wait in anticipation for the time when we leave for the musical! :)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Dazed and Disturbed
I think I loved and cared too much. Our friendship seems strained and we aren't who we once were. When did things start to change? Why the distance? You were my hope but now you seem to be a memory. It could not just be me. I am sure you notice it too but you seem comfortable with the void.
Where did we go wrong I wonder...?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Scrabble Queen Reigns On My Parade
This week me mum is stayin over with me because she met in an accident and the car in getting a face-lift...literally...lol...Anyways, we have been playing scrabbles for the past two days and she has been kicking my butt and am so not liking it. I need to work on my strategy and game plan because she has no mercy when it comes to scrabbles. Haha. I have two more days to redeem myself and not let her reign on my parade.Lol.
It has been fun so far and it will be two more days to go before I get back my bed... ;) Right now it's the freakishly thin mattress on the floor for me and I think I've been too pampered with the bed that I am suffering sleeping on the floor. Well, not that I've never slept on the floor before. I used to sleep on the floor in my apartment in KL but of course I had like four layers of mattresses. Hahaha...I guess that's comfortable enough that I don't mind the floor. But this one thin mattress business is no joke.
Apart from that, it's nice having long conversations with mum about random things. I guess she is the one person I can confide in and not worry about the story getting leaked. Lol..We may not always see eye to eye on some things but I believe when I listen to her views and she listens to mine we can come to an agreement. Although she is more stubborn than I am...Hahahaha! : )
Anyways, in other news, the semester will be coming to an end soon and finals will be around the corner. I just need to persevere and finish off my final project which is taking forever to clear. Am praying real hard that all goes well. Also I have a presentation tomorrow for my class so hope that goes well too.
So that's all for now. Till next time.
It has been fun so far and it will be two more days to go before I get back my bed... ;) Right now it's the freakishly thin mattress on the floor for me and I think I've been too pampered with the bed that I am suffering sleeping on the floor. Well, not that I've never slept on the floor before. I used to sleep on the floor in my apartment in KL but of course I had like four layers of mattresses. Hahaha...I guess that's comfortable enough that I don't mind the floor. But this one thin mattress business is no joke.
Apart from that, it's nice having long conversations with mum about random things. I guess she is the one person I can confide in and not worry about the story getting leaked. Lol..We may not always see eye to eye on some things but I believe when I listen to her views and she listens to mine we can come to an agreement. Although she is more stubborn than I am...Hahahaha! : )
Anyways, in other news, the semester will be coming to an end soon and finals will be around the corner. I just need to persevere and finish off my final project which is taking forever to clear. Am praying real hard that all goes well. Also I have a presentation tomorrow for my class so hope that goes well too.
So that's all for now. Till next time.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
The Forgiveness Struggle
Yesterday I read the gospel passage from Matthew Chapter 9 and it spoke of how Jesus healed a paralytic. What was amazing for me is that Jesus first forgave the sins of the man as a means of healing him from his paralysis. However, because the scribes at the time assumed Jesus words were blasphemous, he told the man to get up, pick up his bed and go home as a sign for the unbelieving scribes.
It brings about a two part healing process which shows a physical and spiritual healing. While Jesus’ first words, “Courage, my child, you sins are forgiven” pretty much covers the healing process for me, Jesus still had to literally say the obvious words for the man to be physically healed because of the people who doubted.
What struck me the most of the passage was the fact that Jesus first forgave the man’s sins. How awesome it would be to have Jesus personally tell you “Courage, my child, your sins are forgiven.” Although I know that Jesus does forgive us our sins when we ask of him sincerely but imagine hearing him say it personally to you. To know that I am truly forgiven of all my sins by my Lord himself is the greatest desire of my heart.
It gives joy to truly know that my ‘sin bank’ has gone down to zero. I know when I go for confession and sincerely repent, I am forgiven but of course the devil himself will plant doubts in my mind making me question if I have truly been forgiven.
My biggest struggle is to leave my past sins behind me and not allow them to haunt me in my present.
It’s hard sometimes to accept the fact that I am forgiven considering the offences of my youth which I believe have hurt Jesus in so many ways and have contributed to the stripes on his back. The devil indeed has ways of making me feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness. This fear has gripped my faith in the past and I believe a have learnt to overcome his tricks. However, the devil of course will never give up and will subtly try to convince me that some sins are beyond forgiveness.
In any case, I believe the struggles I face will not be in vain. Jesus will always be there for me and I will continue to strive to be the person he wants me to be. I will not give up and I will hold on to his words which assures me that my sins are forgiven.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Throw It All In The Valley of Bygones
Today is not the most pleasant day for me. Only because I have allowed a series of events that have happened in the past few days affect me all in one go.
Obviously its not worth mentioning those incidences but I guess ignoring them has fueled my emotions to the point where I've had it with the nonsense. In any case, here's the gist of things:
- I wasted my time doing something only to find out someone else had already done it making my efforts wasted and my presence there of no use whatsoever. I had half a mind of walking off but did not want to make a scene.
- I hate when people are late. Nuff said. Pretty sure others would feel the same way if I were late.
- I hate when people ask me to do something last minute and expect me to spend extra time on it when its an inconvenient time for me.
- I start something but then others divert to something else leaving what I started hanging.
While I don't want to make a big deal of all this but I just wish people would get a clue and realize that even small things can hurt sometimes. Maybe it's just one of those days for me, or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion but I would like to think that I am sensible enough to know when I am over-reacting and when I am genuinely feeling upset.
Then again, I hate being upset with anyone because I always end up feeling guilty at the end of the day for being upset with them. I don't get why I have to feel guilty for being mad or angry or upset with others since it is a genuine feeling. I guess it's just who I am although I wish I could change that about me. Everyone has a right to get angry and STAY angry at some point in time, but somehow it just doesn't work with me.
Well, I guess two days from now I am gonna forget all of this happened and when I read this it's just gonna be a faded memory but I guess venting out without having to confront these people makes me feel a lil better.
So, I guess I'll just let bygones be bygones AGAIN.
Obviously its not worth mentioning those incidences but I guess ignoring them has fueled my emotions to the point where I've had it with the nonsense. In any case, here's the gist of things:
- I wasted my time doing something only to find out someone else had already done it making my efforts wasted and my presence there of no use whatsoever. I had half a mind of walking off but did not want to make a scene.
- I hate when people are late. Nuff said. Pretty sure others would feel the same way if I were late.
- I hate when people ask me to do something last minute and expect me to spend extra time on it when its an inconvenient time for me.
- I start something but then others divert to something else leaving what I started hanging.
While I don't want to make a big deal of all this but I just wish people would get a clue and realize that even small things can hurt sometimes. Maybe it's just one of those days for me, or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion but I would like to think that I am sensible enough to know when I am over-reacting and when I am genuinely feeling upset.
Then again, I hate being upset with anyone because I always end up feeling guilty at the end of the day for being upset with them. I don't get why I have to feel guilty for being mad or angry or upset with others since it is a genuine feeling. I guess it's just who I am although I wish I could change that about me. Everyone has a right to get angry and STAY angry at some point in time, but somehow it just doesn't work with me.
Well, I guess two days from now I am gonna forget all of this happened and when I read this it's just gonna be a faded memory but I guess venting out without having to confront these people makes me feel a lil better.
So, I guess I'll just let bygones be bygones AGAIN.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Rambling mind...
I was told by a friend not to ask question to avoid making enemies...Since when asking questions created enemies I wonder? At times like these I wish I were back in UCSI where I had freedom to express myself in my classroom, no one made enemies over marks and finals, questions only made us better debaters and competitiveness was healthy, not detrimental to one's emotional or mental state. We fought over silly things, argued on minute details but I believe we left everything in the classroom.
Now, avoidance seems to be the new way of being civil; Ignorance is the new meticulousness; silence, the new speech.
I may have my own share of dissatisfaction with UCSI but I know my classroom environment gave me the liberty to express my opinions and have my say. Here, layer upon layer, the masking tape seems to be added on as my journey to a degree comes to an end.
I am heavily burdened with my unexpressed thoughts and these restrictions have taken a toll on me. I am not who I used to be. No doubt I was different in UCSI and not as bold as I am today, but these remaining semesters seem to turn me into the mute I once was.
Now, avoidance seems to be the new way of being civil; Ignorance is the new meticulousness; silence, the new speech.
I may have my own share of dissatisfaction with UCSI but I know my classroom environment gave me the liberty to express my opinions and have my say. Here, layer upon layer, the masking tape seems to be added on as my journey to a degree comes to an end.
I am heavily burdened with my unexpressed thoughts and these restrictions have taken a toll on me. I am not who I used to be. No doubt I was different in UCSI and not as bold as I am today, but these remaining semesters seem to turn me into the mute I once was.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Party of the Mind
The glasses are empty
The mood is dry
The air is fowl and emotions stained
Some laugh while others sigh
Yet, there's a morbid sense of happiness
One is delusional
the other drunk
The conversations pointless
Sober emotions are now junk
Meaningless words were spoken
Nothing more than a thought to ponder
Maybe it's a simple equation
Leaves one in calculated wonder
Yet, don't even machines do as much?
(to be continued...)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Bygones or Grudges
The week so far has been a real test of my patience. And it's only Tuesday. -.-" I had a massive explosion of emotions yesterday as I vented out my frustrations and disappointment to some people who shall not be named for what they had done or the lack thereof which riled me up to the point of no return.
I was so upset and utterly devastated that my whole night's sleep was ruined as I replayed my emotions of that evening over and over again in my head. I kept questioning if I had done the right thing, if I had made unnecessary enemies or hurt other people's feelings by what I had said. Each time I had to reassure myself that what I did needed to be done once and for all because one can only endure so much.
I hate when people take advantage of me and take me for granted. I endured that a while ago with some people but I told myself enough is enough. I will never let people walk over me and use me. However, my actions prove otherwise as I still fall back into the same patterns after apologies are made.
I hate letting things hang over my head and prefer allowing bygones be bygones but I am pissed when people take for granted the fact that I forgive and forget easily. Or at least for the most part I do.
So with all apologies in line, I am left with the age old question of whether I should let this one go as well or be a complete b**** and hold a grudge. I hate having a conscience! I wish I could be just as inconsiderate but I give credit to my mother for teaching me otherwise and teaching me to try always to see the good in others.
I guess bygones are easier to deal with than grudges.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Thought VII
People can influence our expectations, hopes, desires and dreams in life but ours is the decision to have them, hold them and make them a reality.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Interesting...
I just received an email with regards to public holidays for the whole year by my institution and it's interesting how every festival has an extra day of holiday for the staff EXCEPT Christmas. Apparently Christmas is a religious festival and the others are "culturally driven"...I didn't know Deepavali, Chinese New Year or Hari Raya had no religious meaning to it. Appears to me that my management has decided that Christmas is the only religious holiday...
Now, some may say that I am saying all this just because I am a Christian and a certain sense of biasness to the post. I won't disagree because I feel this is deliberately short-changing the Christian staff at the institution. I am pretty sure that anyone else of any race or religion who were to be short-changed in the same manner would feel the same way.
Some may just let it slide saying that it's just a holiday...I would too but somehow I feel it starts with the smallest of all things which eventually builds up to something bigger. Probably the holiday is no big deal but saying that office day is for " key national festive holidays which are culturally driven" is just downright rude.
Just my two cents worth.
This post is not intended at insulting, defaming, slandering or causing damage to anyone or anything. It is merely an observation and a statement of opinion.
Now, some may say that I am saying all this just because I am a Christian and a certain sense of biasness to the post. I won't disagree because I feel this is deliberately short-changing the Christian staff at the institution. I am pretty sure that anyone else of any race or religion who were to be short-changed in the same manner would feel the same way.
Some may just let it slide saying that it's just a holiday...I would too but somehow I feel it starts with the smallest of all things which eventually builds up to something bigger. Probably the holiday is no big deal but saying that office day is for " key national festive holidays which are culturally driven" is just downright rude.
Just my two cents worth.
This post is not intended at insulting, defaming, slandering or causing damage to anyone or anything. It is merely an observation and a statement of opinion.
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