Set me free??

I can't believe that I find it hard to talk to anyone nowadays.

A Thought XVI

You got to try until someone starts to give a damn. Even when you want to throw in the towel, remember there's always a slight glimmer of hope worth holding on to. 

Give Me Patience and Strength to Persevere

What is the purpose of weekends if all I am back for is to slave away? Why do I need to spend 5 days a week away from home working like a mad dog only to return home to work even more?

Here I am sitting at my laptop inspired to work on a project for the church and an overbearing voice in the background tells me "Hello! Start cleaning! You can do all that during your free time!"

When is my free time I wonder?

I am a punching bag for others to let go their stresses and frustrations yet in my moments, whom do I turn to? Who will hear my cry? Lord, I know you're there and I know you hear me. I know you've sent people to hear me too so I do not hold so many burdens in my heart. I just pray that you will give me patience and perseverance in these hours of frustration.

Allow me to be an instrument of peace among those I love. May I not be a stumbling block or a wedge for those who need to make amends and may I have the ability to not take to heart all that is being poured out to me by others in their frustrations.

Back to work.

My Heart Longs for the Lord

Lord, I Need You

My soul is left longing for the Lord every time I sing to Him.....

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

A Thought XV

If we really did love others as is written in the thousands of love songs, we would all be gods in each others eyes. Yet such zealous love can only be found in one person.

Chasing Shadows

Just when I thought the dust had settled on the whirlwind of emotions, I find myself chasing shadows once again.

I see you but I can't feel you and it troubles me that your presence is just like a draft of wind - refreshing but oh so temporary.

A Long Time Coming and a Ray of Sunshine

So, it's been months since my last post and to say much has happened would be a clear understatement. September was the toughest month to deal with. October was almost as bad but as I reach the end of October with this post, I see somewhat of a silver lining. May November be welcoming and wholesome.

I celebrated my birthday much better than I did last year. Less disheartening than last year but seemingly a step in the right direction. I would have spent my birthday with the guy I like if not for my own doing - but that's too long a story to tell so I'll skip it.

Apart from that, people have been taking a stab at my weight issues. Bruising my ego, ripping any ounce of self esteem I hold...you know...the usual stuff....I've had couple of meltdowns as expected - no different than before but at least I think now I have the strength to not have to incessantly talk about it and repeat myself...or so I think.

In any case, am working on it as I know people are concerned but for the most part I'm doing it for me not for anyone else. I also have a theory to prove in loosing my weight - that people (mostly men) are superficial. I want to see what people's perception of me will be with a smaller waist line. Clearly many people I meet find me to be a nice person and 'attractive'. However, the compliments are usually followed by the inadvertent BUT. So apart from loosing weight for myself, I want to see how superficial people are in noticing fat girls who've dropped dress sizes.

So far so good. Am changing my eating habits - one that's the hardest to do. Am cutting back on the ever so temptatious carbs - a feat that requires great restraint on my part but I know is worth the effort. I've also began to put my culinary skills back to practice. Slowly but surely I'm getting in the habit of eating home cooked food rather than dining out - a routine that I've done for months on end which have only contributed to the expanding waistline.

May I add that although this post started in a somber state (I wrote the first three paragraphs towards the end of October but never posted it out) I am quite content with how things are panning out now as I go through the middle of November. Of course this cheery mood stems from a date which occurred last night that ended on a happy note. It makes me feel somewhat secure or perhaps even slightly confident if you will of the possibility of things working out in the future. Vagueness be my middle name at this juncture. :)

I shall not divulge much but may I say that it was a wonderful evening spent with loads of meaningful and eye-opening conversations which have led to better understanding and a much deeper affection for the person. I speak on my behalf of course but I could say the sentiment works both ways.

While we are both unsure of what the future holds and if we will make it, we do hope it works out in the end.