I saw my dad for the second time last night. I went to bed at about one in the morning and for a while I could not bring myself to sleep as I felt wide awake although I knew I had to force myself to sleep in order to wake up early as I only had a few hours left before I began the day.
As I lay in bed, listening to my praise song list, I finally drifted off to sleep. The next thing that I remember is a familiar dream. I only remember bits and pieces of it but I know I’ve dreamt it before. I can’t remember everything that transpired. I only remember my mother, sisters and I were in a dark place in a car and we were leaving that place and reached the outside of it. As we got out of what looked like a building of some sort, then I see my father rushing out of that same place.
I turned and called to him and he sat down on what now seemed to be a roadside with the car parked on the side. I remember looking at him and feeling happy but sad. Happy for I finally saw him but sad for I had this feeling that he was going away. He didn’t look too well and he didn’t say much. As I drew nearer to him my mother and sisters were getting in the car and they looked as if they knew he would be there whereas I was taken by surprise.
We were going to get into the car to drive off and usually my dad would sit in the front seat of the car but when I asked him, he asked me to sit in front while he sat at the back. The only times he ever sat at the back was when we had the van. Anyway, I got into the car and my sister was in the driver’s side while my mother and elder sister were in the back. We were waiting for dad to get in the car.
While waiting my sisters and mother were talking about a Valentine’s Day plan for dad. They were talking about how they should take black and white individuals shots of us and dad and frame them. At that point I started welling up and I began to cry for I felt a void coming. I realized as I was crying I started losing my breath at the same time. I tried to inhale to take a deep breath but could not and I kept crying.
As I tried taking deep breaths I woke up and I was in tears. I could not stop crying for I felt the emotions all too real. I remembered my father’s face and I kept on crying. I turned to the clock and saw it was 3am. I felt so lost and lonely for that moment and so sad for it felt as if my father had just passed away. The same raw emotions I felt when he passed away came back to me this morning at 3am. I did not know what to do so as I lay in bed I said the Divine Mercy chaplet for my father. After having said the Divine Mercy chaplet, I felt a bit at peace.
The memory of my father had faded away for a while and it’s as if I could not remember him but today morning, I felt my father’s presence with me. For a long time I feared the memories of my father will devastate my life so I hid them and eventually forgot some of them. I did not want to feel sad or upset because of my father’s passing but yesterday felt like a wakeup call. It’s as if to say that I cannot run away from the memory of my father and that I should face my fears and embrace the sadness as it is part of life.
I have had my sudden meltdowns in church as I would recall certain moments with my dad and I can’t help but cry. I hate myself for giving in to those emotions and I don’t like it when people see me in such a state. At my dad’s passing, I thought I had to be strong for my family and contain my emotions. My then boyfriend told me I should be strong and not allow my emotions to get the better of me but I should not have listened to him. I should have allowed myself to express my grief and sadness at that point in time. I feel like I suffer the consequences now because I find it hard to deal with my sudden outbursts.
While many have moved on, I don’t want to seem as if I am still stuck in that moment of dad’s passing. I should’ve ended my grief a while ago but then again, how can you put a stop to grief and sadness? How could anyone possibly turn away the brokenness one feels, the empty void from within and the wounds that won’t heal?
