The Forgiveness Struggle

Yesterday I read the gospel passage from Matthew Chapter 9 and it spoke of how Jesus healed a paralytic. What was amazing for me is that Jesus first forgave the sins of the man as a means of healing him from his paralysis. However, because the scribes at the time assumed Jesus words were blasphemous, he told the man to get up, pick up his bed and go home as a sign for the unbelieving scribes.

It brings about a two part healing process which shows a physical and spiritual healing. While Jesus’ first words, “Courage, my child, you sins are forgiven” pretty much covers the healing process for me, Jesus still had to literally say the obvious words for the man to be physically healed because of the people who doubted.

What struck me the most of the passage was the fact that Jesus first forgave the man’s sins. How awesome it would be to have Jesus personally tell you “Courage, my child, your sins are forgiven.” Although I know that Jesus does forgive us our sins when we ask of him sincerely but imagine hearing him say it personally to you. To know that I am truly forgiven of all my sins by my Lord himself is the greatest desire of my heart.

It gives joy to truly know that my ‘sin bank’ has gone down to zero. I know when I go for confession and sincerely repent, I am forgiven but of course the devil himself will plant doubts in my mind making me question if I have truly been forgiven.

My biggest struggle is to leave my past sins behind me and not allow them to haunt me in my present.

It’s hard sometimes to accept the fact that I am forgiven considering the offences of my youth which I believe have hurt Jesus in so many ways and have contributed to the stripes on his back. The devil indeed has ways of making me feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness. This fear has gripped my faith in the past and I believe a have learnt to overcome his tricks. However, the devil of course will never give up and will subtly try to convince me that some sins are beyond forgiveness.

In any case, I believe the struggles I face will not be in vain. Jesus will always be there for me and I will continue to strive to be the person he wants me to be. I will not give up and I will hold on to his words which assures me that my sins are forgiven.

Throw It All In The Valley of Bygones

Today is not the most pleasant day for me. Only because I have allowed a series of events that have happened in the past few days affect me all in one go.

Obviously its not worth mentioning those incidences but I guess ignoring them has fueled my emotions to the point where I've had it with the nonsense. In any case, here's the gist of things:
- I wasted my time doing something only to find out someone else had already done it making my efforts wasted and my presence there of no use whatsoever. I had half a mind of walking off but did not want to make a scene.
- I hate when people are late. Nuff said. Pretty sure others would feel the same way if I were late.
- I hate when people ask me to do something last minute and expect me to spend extra time on it when its an inconvenient time for me.
- I start something but then others divert to something else leaving what I started hanging.

While I don't want to make a big deal of all this but I just wish people would get a clue and realize that even small things can hurt sometimes. Maybe it's just one of those days for me, or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion but I would like to think that I am sensible enough to know when I am over-reacting and when I am genuinely feeling upset.

Then again, I hate being upset with anyone because I always end up feeling guilty at the end of the day for being upset with them. I don't get why I have to feel guilty for being mad or angry or upset with others since it is a genuine feeling. I guess it's just who I am although I wish I could change that about me. Everyone has a right to get angry and STAY angry at some point in time, but somehow it just doesn't work with me.

Well, I guess two days from now I am gonna forget all of this happened and when I read this it's just gonna be a faded memory but I guess venting out without having to confront these people makes me feel a lil better.

So, I guess I'll just let bygones be bygones AGAIN.