A Thought XV

If we really did love others as is written in the thousands of love songs, we would all be gods in each others eyes. Yet such zealous love can only be found in one person.

Chasing Shadows

Just when I thought the dust had settled on the whirlwind of emotions, I find myself chasing shadows once again.

I see you but I can't feel you and it troubles me that your presence is just like a draft of wind - refreshing but oh so temporary.

A Long Time Coming and a Ray of Sunshine

So, it's been months since my last post and to say much has happened would be a clear understatement. September was the toughest month to deal with. October was almost as bad but as I reach the end of October with this post, I see somewhat of a silver lining. May November be welcoming and wholesome.

I celebrated my birthday much better than I did last year. Less disheartening than last year but seemingly a step in the right direction. I would have spent my birthday with the guy I like if not for my own doing - but that's too long a story to tell so I'll skip it.

Apart from that, people have been taking a stab at my weight issues. Bruising my ego, ripping any ounce of self esteem I hold...you know...the usual stuff....I've had couple of meltdowns as expected - no different than before but at least I think now I have the strength to not have to incessantly talk about it and repeat myself...or so I think.

In any case, am working on it as I know people are concerned but for the most part I'm doing it for me not for anyone else. I also have a theory to prove in loosing my weight - that people (mostly men) are superficial. I want to see what people's perception of me will be with a smaller waist line. Clearly many people I meet find me to be a nice person and 'attractive'. However, the compliments are usually followed by the inadvertent BUT. So apart from loosing weight for myself, I want to see how superficial people are in noticing fat girls who've dropped dress sizes.

So far so good. Am changing my eating habits - one that's the hardest to do. Am cutting back on the ever so temptatious carbs - a feat that requires great restraint on my part but I know is worth the effort. I've also began to put my culinary skills back to practice. Slowly but surely I'm getting in the habit of eating home cooked food rather than dining out - a routine that I've done for months on end which have only contributed to the expanding waistline.

May I add that although this post started in a somber state (I wrote the first three paragraphs towards the end of October but never posted it out) I am quite content with how things are panning out now as I go through the middle of November. Of course this cheery mood stems from a date which occurred last night that ended on a happy note. It makes me feel somewhat secure or perhaps even slightly confident if you will of the possibility of things working out in the future. Vagueness be my middle name at this juncture. :)

I shall not divulge much but may I say that it was a wonderful evening spent with loads of meaningful and eye-opening conversations which have led to better understanding and a much deeper affection for the person. I speak on my behalf of course but I could say the sentiment works both ways.

While we are both unsure of what the future holds and if we will make it, we do hope it works out in the end.

Men...

No to be overly cliche but seriously... You can't live with em and you can't live without em. I give up. All this mixed signals is annoying. That's it. No more hoping. Just no more. I can't stand being the fool all the time and especially now after everything is out in the open.

Have a nice life and hope you find what you are looking for.

Uncovered At Last

I finally had the opportunity to uncover a hidden (or more like unspoken of) relationship which although lasted a brief moment, did make a significant difference in my life. I guess all this while I never gave it much thought because it pales in comparison to the other two failed relationships I've had which had more dramatic elements.

In any case, recollecting the time when this happened, I remember that although it may not have mattered thus far, it's good to get it out of my system and I do have bitter sweet memories of the person. He's happily married now and I continue my search for the one who will steal my heart and give me his. :)

Wisdom of God

I noticed a significant change in the day when I allowed God to take charge and not worry or dwell on my own silly emotions. Rather than listening to jiwang songs the whole day, I let my soul get some therapy with Christian music and what wonders it has done in the short span of time.


Embracing reality - that is definitely my motto of the day. The moment I stopped overreacting and allowing things to run its course, I believe everything just pretty much fell in place. I also believe it is God's way of saying "Let go and let me do my thing. If you do not let go of the reigns, I cannot commandeer the path of your life."


The hardest things (which I am still in the process of learning) is to completely surrender every need, desire, hope, dream, aspiration (pretty much everything - you get the idea) to Him who knows all and gives all. The problem with me is that I surrender at one point and then fall back into the pattern of trying to take charge of my life once again. My hope is that I will learn to surrender completely and let God direct my footsteps.


1 Corinthians 1 Vs 25 says "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom..."


In His wisdom and foolishness, he has carried me and held my hand through troubled waters. There are days when I feel like screaming at Him because I feel like He doesn't hear my prayer, but my own doubt and foolishness has led me to believe that. There has never been a moment in my life where He has let me down even in all the moments of my unfaithfulness. 


I know He has allowed me to go through the pain I have experienced so that I may become a better person. Bad things are allowed to happen because it is God's way of teaching us life lessons. Although our God is a forgiving God, He will teach us lessons in a loving way which will allow us to understand that He does it for our own good and that we are better than what we think we are in our moments of weakness.

I just want to end this with a reminder to myself that there will be heartaches and bad things that will happen but God will be with me all the way and there is no doubt about it. He has never let me down and He will always remain faithful even in my moments of weakness.

A Time to Embrace

With all the hoo-haa that has been going on this past few days, I have finally decided to put a smile on my face, brush away the feelings from yesterday and embrace whatever comes my way. The leap of faith didn't really turn out the way I thought it might but then again, this may not be the time just yet to leap into the unknown. Needless to say, I'm not leaping unless I am certain that there's someone on the other end who will catch me and not let me fall.

So, today is all about embracing - Embracing the reality of things regardless of how difficult it may be and deciding to move on from that point rather than just waiting for something to happen.

I've been so concerned that my life would be a series of what-ifs but I believe if I happened to miss out on something, it will either come back at a later point in life or maybe it was just never meant for me to experience. Either way, I know God will provide me what I need in due time and allow these experiences to teach me life lessons which hopefully I can pass on to someone else.

So embrace away! :)

A Leap of Faith

With every cloud, a silver lining, with every sky a shooting star.

I will accept whatever comes my way and I will not let fear keep me from taking chances. If it happens, it happens and for some reason I'm kinda hoping it does. ;)

Should Have, Could Have, Would Have - The Over-Thinker in All Her Glory.

Yesterday was an emotionally packed day. It started off on the right track although pretty much the entire morning and afternoon I was listening to sappy love songs to layan my jiwangness. Evening came and I think I dropped the mother of all emotional outbursts to one particular person. (There's no need for names).

I have no idea what came over me to blurt out all I did in that short span of time. We started off with a good conversation but I felt my emotions take over after a while. It’s like I released a whole tsunami of truth on this innocent person and although the guilt is eating me up alive at this point, there was a sense of relief at that point of ‘venting’ to finally be open about it.

I guess I should have seen this coming. Deep down I think I already knew the day would come when I finally told the person the truth. In all that emotional rage, I forget that this person has feelings too and would have had even deeper rooted feelings but I just kept on going telling this person how I felt. I am glad I stopped when I did but the aftermath of the conversation was too much that all that ran in my head was “Dear God, What have I done.”

The conversation definitely took the person by surprise and I feel like I have made things rather awkward between us now. I could have said the things I said in a better way but in that moment I was all about saying it straight rather than masking it around nice words.

Needless to say, I tossed and turned the night away feeling guilty as can be wondering if the person’s perception of me has changed because of what I said. Today morning, I hoped I would feel better but I guess I ruined my own day by remembering the night.

I should shoot myself for layaning my jiwangness and then having a conversation with someone. I just hope this day gets better and that the person will be able to accept my apology for what I have said.

Words really can cut like a knife and I just want you to know that what was said was the truth but I guess sometimes the truth shouldn’t have to be so blunt. I hope things aren’t awkward between us.

That Darn Thing Called Love

You know, I would think that as I grew older, my love life would be less complicated. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case as I find myself in situations which make me wonder if I will even find the right person. As the years go by I come to realize that everyone else around me is either married, engaged or has already found their special someone. I even hear stories from friends on their current love life and how the dating scene is going.

It’s funny because all this while I had wrapped myself in relationships but have never really been on a date where there are no strings attached. When friends tell me they have been on dates, I automatically assume that something will come out of it. I guess because of my own experiences, I cannot imagine going on a date with someone and then knowing that there’s nothing there to begin with or that will come out of it. Perhaps I have misconstrued the notion of a date.

Anyway, now that I am older, I thought it would be probably easier to find someone who fits the ‘profile’ but it isn’t unfortunately. It’s as if to say that college is the pre-requisite time to which a person would likely find the person they would like to spend the rest of their life with. This assumption of course is made based on various factors; one being the environment I work in and the people I meet who are mostly college students. Most of the boys (now men) I know from my college (and who are of a similar age) have found their right girl. However, I am pretty sure there are still plenty single guys out there in a similar situation trying to find their own almost perfect Jane.

But what makes us hang on or hold off for such long periods of time before deciding it’s time to settle down? How is it remotely possible that one day we are just lonely people in the world and the next day we dare say we found the one we have been looking for? How is it possible to know for certain when is the right time or right moment?

My heart has deceived me several times into thinking that I have found the one. My emotions have led me to believe that the men I dated were in fact the ones, at that specific moment in time. It’s troubling to know that I can’t trust my heart or my emotions when it comes to these things although they are so interrelated. Leaving it to my head only raises more doubts, concerns and that leads me to over analyze every single situation. Even my head plays tricks with me as I ponder the endless (sometimes unrealistic) possibilities of what could or could not be when it comes to a guy I have even the slightest hint of attraction.

I keep wondering when this madness will end. Did I fall in love so quickly and at too young an age that my perception of love has deviated from what it truly is which is something beyond just emotions and attractions? Why was I fashioned this way to fall too easily and too soon? Why do I have to constantly educate my senses and rationalize my emotions so as to not repeat the same mistakes I have made in the past? Why do I fall in love the way I do? Even at this point my heart, my head and the emotions that flow through are so conflicted that I can’t explain my thoughts as how I would like them to be explained.

The most dangerous of all is when I read into things which apparently do not even exist in the first place. The over analytical mind creates false truths that I come to believe and when reality eventually sets in, I become my own fool. This is caused by my inability to separate reality with my perceived reality. I have played this dangerous game before and had my heart broken so badly that every time I recall those memories, I am speechless at how naïve and stupid I was to have fallen for something that wasn’t real. Now, facing an almost similar situation, I have to keep reminding myself of that hurtful past so I do not end up the broken hearted fool again.

Why do relationships have to be complicated? Being an old fashioned girl, I wish men would have the courage to stand up and say what they really feel rather than masking it behind the very confusing act of flirtation. Then again, my perception of flirtation is so screwed up that perhaps no one was really flirting and I was merely reading into those silly signs.

Sigh…Love, why do you complicate me so? I am not myself when you are lurking around and I can sense the change within whenever you come around.

For The Love of Harmonies

It's amazing how listening to harmonies can make my day feel better. Probably God's way of putting a smile on my face in the morning; Him knowing how much music plays an important role in my life. :)

Through the years there have been numerous songs which I wish I could have sung with someone but there never has been the moment or opportunity. Plus, there's never been the person to sing with apart from my sister with whom I sing most duets. Lol. So, here's a list of songs in no particular order (an extended bucket list if you will) which I wish I could sing with the right person or people. :)


1. First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Journey South
2. I'm Your Angel - R. Kelly & Celine Dion
3. When You Believe - Celine Dion & Whitney Houston
4. Watch Over You - Alter Brige feat. Christina Scabbia
5. I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
6. Heaven - Bryan Adams
7. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
8. The One That Got Away - Katy Perry
9. You Were Always on my Mind - Elvis Presley
10. All The Way - Frank Sinatra
11. Fix You - Coldplay
12. Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley
13. Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's
14. Afterglow - INXS
15. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight - Charlie Simpson's version


So there's more where that came from but it would be nice to have someone to sing these songs with. Am sure am missing out on some pretty good songs but this is what I could think of at the top of my head.


So until I find someone to sing these songs with, I'll be happy singing along and making up the harmonies!  :)

1st Class Baby!

Ok so maybe this is old news and maybe I have already mentioned this before but what the heck. The whole point of a post is to make memories and this is one memory I will never forget and should pen down.

I am officially a graduate with a 1st class honors! :) I desired it, I prayed for it, I worked at it and I got it! I have been over the moon since I got the confirmation from my HOP and I thank God for having heard my prayer and fulfilling this desire of mine. Now, I wonder if he will be kind enough to answer part 2 of it. Hahaha. In any case, I am thankful for the journey I have been through.

It has been a long journey in obtaining my academic qualifications but it truly has been an amazing journey. Although circumstances did not permit me to graduate sooner, I am grateful because it allowed me to appreciate my time in college and understand the importance of excelling in my studies. And just for the record, when I say circumstance, I do not mean failing subjects or performing poorly in college. It's a long story but for the sake of road mapping my academic pathyway, here it is -

Foundation (UCSI) --> 2+1 Mass Comm Degree (UCSI) --> Work --> Circumstance --> INTI (Work) --> Acceptance Letter from QUT --> Circumstance --> (INTI) BMCMI --> GRADUATE!

So, these past several years have been tremendously trying and such a roller-coaster ride but I am immensely thankful for the experiences, the friendships, the memories, heartbreaks, tears, laughter and all the life lessons I have learnt along this journey.

So, not to divert too far from the original intention of this post; my prayer has been answered for the 1st class honors and now I await to officially receive my scroll in November. The only annoying this about this whole process is the 1 year wait before getting that darn scroll. Just had to put it out there. :)

Shrek the Musical

What a blast! I had the best time with my sister, bro-in-law and friend during Shrek, The Musical. From start to finish, the four of us could not contain ourselves. It brought back moments of the original animation especially since most of the dialogue was taken from the movie itself. We got every punch line and every 'suggestive' note. Haha. 

The best moment was hearing the guy who played Lord Farquaad say 'KUDA KAYU! KUDA KEEPAANG!" as he 'rolled' out from the side stage on his trustee steed. Very animated, a good laugh and the songs were pretty cool. Oh and the drummer was uh-mazing. Didn't get to see the orchestra play but the drummer was fantastic in his short solo at the end of the musical. (I'm hoping it's a guy and not a girl drummer or else my whole perception of a cool drummer guy would just fly out the window! lol)

Anyway, it was a fantastic time with loved ones but by the end we were so tired out. It had been such a long day and I totally crashed in the car. I kept snoozing the alarm this morning because my body just refused to get out of bed but I managed to drag myself out after all. It was worth it after all. :)

A Mad Week and A New Beginning

The week has been such a long one. From good news to bad news to mind boggling news. I can probably say its been the worst. From low performance at work to having to make drastic decisions and making a stand for my beliefs. Yet, in all this madness, at the end of the day I feel a sense of calmness. I guess it's just God working his wonders in my time of need.

I don't know what I'd do if not for Him - probably make the worst decisions ever and live to regret it later. I owe Him for saving me even before making those poor decisions. Speaking of which, I guess it's about time to move. I've been given a wake up call and now I need to move from my current stay to a new place. I don't know how I'm going to cope. For the longest time I've hated shifting from place to place.

I moved houses a bit as a child and I never liked the first few weeks at a new place. It always took time to get used to a new environment. I guess that's something that never changed about me. You'd think that things like these get better over time but nope...it's always the same. I guess I like the idea of having my place and knowing that I'm going to make it my own but here I go again; packing up and leaving. I just hope that this move will turn out to be a good thing. I mean I know it will, it's just that I dread the first few weeks of it. 

On a brighter note, I am thankful for the sound advice of friends and family who helped me in sorting out this whole move situation.

A Thought XIII

I am the precursor of my own destiny. I pave my way to a future I dream with the tools life give me.

Things To Do Before I Snooze Eternally

As obvious as the title suggests, I have made a list of things I would love to do before I die. I have been putting off on this for a while now; perhaps out of fear that if I do write it down, then I will have to reach for it and if I don't I would be sorely disappointed with myself. (like I need more reasons to be blue)

So, here's to the unknown future and in hopes that my list gets shorter as I get older.

C's Twenty To Do List (Not in any particular order)
1. Sing Celine Dion's power ballads before I loose my voice. (1 down!)
2. Get good at the violin and hopefully perform in front of a large crowd
3. Write a song - not for someone I had a crush on
4. Perform at a bar/lounge - for the fun and experience of it
5. Sing with dad
6. Write a book
7. Be in two places at the same time
8. Catch a glimpse of a shooting star
9. Drive.
10. Bungee jump / sky dive
11. Visit Gold Coast, Aussie and not chicken out from swimming
12. Send a message in a bottle and hope to get a reply from it
13. Travel overseas with friends
14. Go on a cruise
15. Attend a massive rock concert
16. Have a Lord of the Rings movie marathon with friends
17. Places to visit: Disneyland, Rome, Greece and Mauritius
18. Attempt to go jungle trekking
19. Watch a Broadway musical in New York
20. Fly a kite

One of those days

I need to get away from everything and everyone. I think I need time for myself but the more time I spend alone, the more I feel as if I am my own worst enemy. The thoughts that come to mind scratch away whatever ounce of self-confidence I have and I realize it is my own doing. I am my own joy and my own pain.

What others say or do just adds fuel to the burning fire within. Why do I let it get to me? I don't know. Perhaps it's a conditional thing. If so, then what. I dwell too easily on things said to me and I wish I could change that about me. The worst thing is knowing that the people around you know that you have this insecurity but yet use it to their advantage unintentionally.

I can't believe how many selfish times I've used the word I. Some may say I'm a self-loathing narcissist which is kind of an oxymoron to think about it.

tbc...

A Thought XII

A good melody sounds good but a great one feels even better.