That Darn Thing Called Love

You know, I would think that as I grew older, my love life would be less complicated. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case as I find myself in situations which make me wonder if I will even find the right person. As the years go by I come to realize that everyone else around me is either married, engaged or has already found their special someone. I even hear stories from friends on their current love life and how the dating scene is going.

It’s funny because all this while I had wrapped myself in relationships but have never really been on a date where there are no strings attached. When friends tell me they have been on dates, I automatically assume that something will come out of it. I guess because of my own experiences, I cannot imagine going on a date with someone and then knowing that there’s nothing there to begin with or that will come out of it. Perhaps I have misconstrued the notion of a date.

Anyway, now that I am older, I thought it would be probably easier to find someone who fits the ‘profile’ but it isn’t unfortunately. It’s as if to say that college is the pre-requisite time to which a person would likely find the person they would like to spend the rest of their life with. This assumption of course is made based on various factors; one being the environment I work in and the people I meet who are mostly college students. Most of the boys (now men) I know from my college (and who are of a similar age) have found their right girl. However, I am pretty sure there are still plenty single guys out there in a similar situation trying to find their own almost perfect Jane.

But what makes us hang on or hold off for such long periods of time before deciding it’s time to settle down? How is it remotely possible that one day we are just lonely people in the world and the next day we dare say we found the one we have been looking for? How is it possible to know for certain when is the right time or right moment?

My heart has deceived me several times into thinking that I have found the one. My emotions have led me to believe that the men I dated were in fact the ones, at that specific moment in time. It’s troubling to know that I can’t trust my heart or my emotions when it comes to these things although they are so interrelated. Leaving it to my head only raises more doubts, concerns and that leads me to over analyze every single situation. Even my head plays tricks with me as I ponder the endless (sometimes unrealistic) possibilities of what could or could not be when it comes to a guy I have even the slightest hint of attraction.

I keep wondering when this madness will end. Did I fall in love so quickly and at too young an age that my perception of love has deviated from what it truly is which is something beyond just emotions and attractions? Why was I fashioned this way to fall too easily and too soon? Why do I have to constantly educate my senses and rationalize my emotions so as to not repeat the same mistakes I have made in the past? Why do I fall in love the way I do? Even at this point my heart, my head and the emotions that flow through are so conflicted that I can’t explain my thoughts as how I would like them to be explained.

The most dangerous of all is when I read into things which apparently do not even exist in the first place. The over analytical mind creates false truths that I come to believe and when reality eventually sets in, I become my own fool. This is caused by my inability to separate reality with my perceived reality. I have played this dangerous game before and had my heart broken so badly that every time I recall those memories, I am speechless at how naïve and stupid I was to have fallen for something that wasn’t real. Now, facing an almost similar situation, I have to keep reminding myself of that hurtful past so I do not end up the broken hearted fool again.

Why do relationships have to be complicated? Being an old fashioned girl, I wish men would have the courage to stand up and say what they really feel rather than masking it behind the very confusing act of flirtation. Then again, my perception of flirtation is so screwed up that perhaps no one was really flirting and I was merely reading into those silly signs.

Sigh…Love, why do you complicate me so? I am not myself when you are lurking around and I can sense the change within whenever you come around.