Men...

No to be overly cliche but seriously... You can't live with em and you can't live without em. I give up. All this mixed signals is annoying. That's it. No more hoping. Just no more. I can't stand being the fool all the time and especially now after everything is out in the open.

Have a nice life and hope you find what you are looking for.

Uncovered At Last

I finally had the opportunity to uncover a hidden (or more like unspoken of) relationship which although lasted a brief moment, did make a significant difference in my life. I guess all this while I never gave it much thought because it pales in comparison to the other two failed relationships I've had which had more dramatic elements.

In any case, recollecting the time when this happened, I remember that although it may not have mattered thus far, it's good to get it out of my system and I do have bitter sweet memories of the person. He's happily married now and I continue my search for the one who will steal my heart and give me his. :)

Wisdom of God

I noticed a significant change in the day when I allowed God to take charge and not worry or dwell on my own silly emotions. Rather than listening to jiwang songs the whole day, I let my soul get some therapy with Christian music and what wonders it has done in the short span of time.


Embracing reality - that is definitely my motto of the day. The moment I stopped overreacting and allowing things to run its course, I believe everything just pretty much fell in place. I also believe it is God's way of saying "Let go and let me do my thing. If you do not let go of the reigns, I cannot commandeer the path of your life."


The hardest things (which I am still in the process of learning) is to completely surrender every need, desire, hope, dream, aspiration (pretty much everything - you get the idea) to Him who knows all and gives all. The problem with me is that I surrender at one point and then fall back into the pattern of trying to take charge of my life once again. My hope is that I will learn to surrender completely and let God direct my footsteps.


1 Corinthians 1 Vs 25 says "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom..."


In His wisdom and foolishness, he has carried me and held my hand through troubled waters. There are days when I feel like screaming at Him because I feel like He doesn't hear my prayer, but my own doubt and foolishness has led me to believe that. There has never been a moment in my life where He has let me down even in all the moments of my unfaithfulness. 


I know He has allowed me to go through the pain I have experienced so that I may become a better person. Bad things are allowed to happen because it is God's way of teaching us life lessons. Although our God is a forgiving God, He will teach us lessons in a loving way which will allow us to understand that He does it for our own good and that we are better than what we think we are in our moments of weakness.

I just want to end this with a reminder to myself that there will be heartaches and bad things that will happen but God will be with me all the way and there is no doubt about it. He has never let me down and He will always remain faithful even in my moments of weakness.

A Time to Embrace

With all the hoo-haa that has been going on this past few days, I have finally decided to put a smile on my face, brush away the feelings from yesterday and embrace whatever comes my way. The leap of faith didn't really turn out the way I thought it might but then again, this may not be the time just yet to leap into the unknown. Needless to say, I'm not leaping unless I am certain that there's someone on the other end who will catch me and not let me fall.

So, today is all about embracing - Embracing the reality of things regardless of how difficult it may be and deciding to move on from that point rather than just waiting for something to happen.

I've been so concerned that my life would be a series of what-ifs but I believe if I happened to miss out on something, it will either come back at a later point in life or maybe it was just never meant for me to experience. Either way, I know God will provide me what I need in due time and allow these experiences to teach me life lessons which hopefully I can pass on to someone else.

So embrace away! :)

A Leap of Faith

With every cloud, a silver lining, with every sky a shooting star.

I will accept whatever comes my way and I will not let fear keep me from taking chances. If it happens, it happens and for some reason I'm kinda hoping it does. ;)

Should Have, Could Have, Would Have - The Over-Thinker in All Her Glory.

Yesterday was an emotionally packed day. It started off on the right track although pretty much the entire morning and afternoon I was listening to sappy love songs to layan my jiwangness. Evening came and I think I dropped the mother of all emotional outbursts to one particular person. (There's no need for names).

I have no idea what came over me to blurt out all I did in that short span of time. We started off with a good conversation but I felt my emotions take over after a while. It’s like I released a whole tsunami of truth on this innocent person and although the guilt is eating me up alive at this point, there was a sense of relief at that point of ‘venting’ to finally be open about it.

I guess I should have seen this coming. Deep down I think I already knew the day would come when I finally told the person the truth. In all that emotional rage, I forget that this person has feelings too and would have had even deeper rooted feelings but I just kept on going telling this person how I felt. I am glad I stopped when I did but the aftermath of the conversation was too much that all that ran in my head was “Dear God, What have I done.”

The conversation definitely took the person by surprise and I feel like I have made things rather awkward between us now. I could have said the things I said in a better way but in that moment I was all about saying it straight rather than masking it around nice words.

Needless to say, I tossed and turned the night away feeling guilty as can be wondering if the person’s perception of me has changed because of what I said. Today morning, I hoped I would feel better but I guess I ruined my own day by remembering the night.

I should shoot myself for layaning my jiwangness and then having a conversation with someone. I just hope this day gets better and that the person will be able to accept my apology for what I have said.

Words really can cut like a knife and I just want you to know that what was said was the truth but I guess sometimes the truth shouldn’t have to be so blunt. I hope things aren’t awkward between us.

That Darn Thing Called Love

You know, I would think that as I grew older, my love life would be less complicated. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case as I find myself in situations which make me wonder if I will even find the right person. As the years go by I come to realize that everyone else around me is either married, engaged or has already found their special someone. I even hear stories from friends on their current love life and how the dating scene is going.

It’s funny because all this while I had wrapped myself in relationships but have never really been on a date where there are no strings attached. When friends tell me they have been on dates, I automatically assume that something will come out of it. I guess because of my own experiences, I cannot imagine going on a date with someone and then knowing that there’s nothing there to begin with or that will come out of it. Perhaps I have misconstrued the notion of a date.

Anyway, now that I am older, I thought it would be probably easier to find someone who fits the ‘profile’ but it isn’t unfortunately. It’s as if to say that college is the pre-requisite time to which a person would likely find the person they would like to spend the rest of their life with. This assumption of course is made based on various factors; one being the environment I work in and the people I meet who are mostly college students. Most of the boys (now men) I know from my college (and who are of a similar age) have found their right girl. However, I am pretty sure there are still plenty single guys out there in a similar situation trying to find their own almost perfect Jane.

But what makes us hang on or hold off for such long periods of time before deciding it’s time to settle down? How is it remotely possible that one day we are just lonely people in the world and the next day we dare say we found the one we have been looking for? How is it possible to know for certain when is the right time or right moment?

My heart has deceived me several times into thinking that I have found the one. My emotions have led me to believe that the men I dated were in fact the ones, at that specific moment in time. It’s troubling to know that I can’t trust my heart or my emotions when it comes to these things although they are so interrelated. Leaving it to my head only raises more doubts, concerns and that leads me to over analyze every single situation. Even my head plays tricks with me as I ponder the endless (sometimes unrealistic) possibilities of what could or could not be when it comes to a guy I have even the slightest hint of attraction.

I keep wondering when this madness will end. Did I fall in love so quickly and at too young an age that my perception of love has deviated from what it truly is which is something beyond just emotions and attractions? Why was I fashioned this way to fall too easily and too soon? Why do I have to constantly educate my senses and rationalize my emotions so as to not repeat the same mistakes I have made in the past? Why do I fall in love the way I do? Even at this point my heart, my head and the emotions that flow through are so conflicted that I can’t explain my thoughts as how I would like them to be explained.

The most dangerous of all is when I read into things which apparently do not even exist in the first place. The over analytical mind creates false truths that I come to believe and when reality eventually sets in, I become my own fool. This is caused by my inability to separate reality with my perceived reality. I have played this dangerous game before and had my heart broken so badly that every time I recall those memories, I am speechless at how naïve and stupid I was to have fallen for something that wasn’t real. Now, facing an almost similar situation, I have to keep reminding myself of that hurtful past so I do not end up the broken hearted fool again.

Why do relationships have to be complicated? Being an old fashioned girl, I wish men would have the courage to stand up and say what they really feel rather than masking it behind the very confusing act of flirtation. Then again, my perception of flirtation is so screwed up that perhaps no one was really flirting and I was merely reading into those silly signs.

Sigh…Love, why do you complicate me so? I am not myself when you are lurking around and I can sense the change within whenever you come around.

For The Love of Harmonies

It's amazing how listening to harmonies can make my day feel better. Probably God's way of putting a smile on my face in the morning; Him knowing how much music plays an important role in my life. :)

Through the years there have been numerous songs which I wish I could have sung with someone but there never has been the moment or opportunity. Plus, there's never been the person to sing with apart from my sister with whom I sing most duets. Lol. So, here's a list of songs in no particular order (an extended bucket list if you will) which I wish I could sing with the right person or people. :)


1. First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Journey South
2. I'm Your Angel - R. Kelly & Celine Dion
3. When You Believe - Celine Dion & Whitney Houston
4. Watch Over You - Alter Brige feat. Christina Scabbia
5. I Want To Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
6. Heaven - Bryan Adams
7. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
8. The One That Got Away - Katy Perry
9. You Were Always on my Mind - Elvis Presley
10. All The Way - Frank Sinatra
11. Fix You - Coldplay
12. Can't Help Falling In Love - Elvis Presley
13. Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's
14. Afterglow - INXS
15. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight - Charlie Simpson's version


So there's more where that came from but it would be nice to have someone to sing these songs with. Am sure am missing out on some pretty good songs but this is what I could think of at the top of my head.


So until I find someone to sing these songs with, I'll be happy singing along and making up the harmonies!  :)

1st Class Baby!

Ok so maybe this is old news and maybe I have already mentioned this before but what the heck. The whole point of a post is to make memories and this is one memory I will never forget and should pen down.

I am officially a graduate with a 1st class honors! :) I desired it, I prayed for it, I worked at it and I got it! I have been over the moon since I got the confirmation from my HOP and I thank God for having heard my prayer and fulfilling this desire of mine. Now, I wonder if he will be kind enough to answer part 2 of it. Hahaha. In any case, I am thankful for the journey I have been through.

It has been a long journey in obtaining my academic qualifications but it truly has been an amazing journey. Although circumstances did not permit me to graduate sooner, I am grateful because it allowed me to appreciate my time in college and understand the importance of excelling in my studies. And just for the record, when I say circumstance, I do not mean failing subjects or performing poorly in college. It's a long story but for the sake of road mapping my academic pathyway, here it is -

Foundation (UCSI) --> 2+1 Mass Comm Degree (UCSI) --> Work --> Circumstance --> INTI (Work) --> Acceptance Letter from QUT --> Circumstance --> (INTI) BMCMI --> GRADUATE!

So, these past several years have been tremendously trying and such a roller-coaster ride but I am immensely thankful for the experiences, the friendships, the memories, heartbreaks, tears, laughter and all the life lessons I have learnt along this journey.

So, not to divert too far from the original intention of this post; my prayer has been answered for the 1st class honors and now I await to officially receive my scroll in November. The only annoying this about this whole process is the 1 year wait before getting that darn scroll. Just had to put it out there. :)