I turned 26 a week back and I feel like my perspective on life has changed to a certain extent. All of a sudden my carefree days seem to turn into fear and worries. The levels to which I feel these anxieties go deeper and deeper as I examine the different layers of relationships I have with the people around me.
For one, I feel like my best days have passed me by. I am now stagnant in a pool of uncertainties and questions. The big question within me; IS THIS IT? While others around me blossom and bloom, I feel like I'm shrinking under the rays that was once mine to bask in. They cast a shadow in my path and I am forced to remain hidden from the world. I ignite tiny sparks to gain attention and pull myself out of this darkness but like a match being lit in a wind, my fire dies off even before it can begin.
I am troubled by my thoughts that lead me to believe that I have nothing more to offer and what little I have is not worth anything as others around me have been blessed with more. Ironically, as I write this post, Mad World runs in my mind and the lines that constantly run through my head is "And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"
On another level, I feel like the Other One within my own nucleus. Recently as I stood among a crowd of familiar faces, I realized I felt dazed and drifted away from where I was. My interactions were minimum and I felt it pointless to make an effort to communicate with those I know because my past episodes reminded me that I will never be one of them and I will never fit in. Looking back on my past experiences where I tried hard to fit in with people who clearly did not appreciate me or want me, I feel embarrassed and such a fool. If I could rewind those moment and tell my younger self what I know now, I would've spared myself a whole lot of heartache.
Then again, it is all supposed to be part and parcel of life.
